Notes
by spottedhorse
Summary: Sara left him a note. Now what? Other notes help him piece his life back together. And what a different life it becomes. Or does it?
1. She's Gone

Okay, as we all know, the note was written by Sara with help from the CSI writers. Please guys, come back to work soon, we miss your creativity! The rest of the story is my idea. Let me know what you think.

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Gil Grissom was walking through the hallway of the lab, looking for Sara. She had been acting strangly lately and her kiss a little earlier had told him that something was seriously wrong. They had agreed to keep things strictly professional at the lab. Besides, both of them were private people and not inclined to public displays of affection. Having checked all the hallways, he stopped at the reception desk. "Judy, have you seen Sara?"

"She left a few minutes ago, sir, but she did leave something for you." Judy handed him an envelope.

"Thank you," he said as he took the envelope and headed back to his office.

In the quiet of his office, he opened the note.

_Gil ... You know I love you. _

_I feel I've loved you forever. Lately ...__I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired._

_Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized  
something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've  
spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We'd been like close friends, and out  
there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them._

_I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off,  
I'm left with the feeling that ... I have to go. I have no idea where I'm  
going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct,  
and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. _

_Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every  
beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything._

_I love you. I always will. _

_Good-bye._

Grissom took his glasses off. How had things gotten so bad and he hadn't realized, he wondered. She was out there, hurting and he couldn't help. She left. She left Vegas, her career...him. He stood in the dark, silently crying inside. She was broken and he couldn't help her. And she had left, so now he was broken too.

He had no idea how much time had passed. Standing there in his office, note in hand, time had stopped...everything had stopped for him. He heard a sound and turned to see Catherine standing behind him, watching carefully. Somewhere deep inside, it registered with him that she knew something was terribly wrong. He started to speak, wanted to speak...but nothing would come out. So he just stood there, note in hand, looking lost.

"Gil?" she said, concerned. She'd never seen him quite this disconsolate. Finally, he handed her the note. Reading it quickly, she looked from the paper to him. "Oh my god...Gil, do you have any idea where she went?"

All he could do was nod, negatively. Catherine closed the door to his office and led him to his desk, where he automatically sat.

Finally he managed to make his mouth work. "Thanks."

She sat with him a few minutes. The shift had ended some time ago, so she wasn't worried about work. She knew he wasn't either. But he couldn't stay there like that all day. "Come on, let's get out of her," she suggested.

Looking at her blankly, he shook his head. He didn't want to go home. She wouldn't be there.

Understanding his aversion to go home, she prodded. "Come home with me. I'll fix us some food and a couple of screwdrivers and we'll just hang out. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. I just...well, I think you shouldn't be alone right now."

He looked at her with empty eyes, not even the hurt that he must be feeling registering. Catherine was sad for her friend...and frightened. She knew he was ill equiped for this. While most people fall in and out of love several times in their lifetime, he had never been in love before...not like he loved Sara. And he had never, to Catherine's knowledge, risked this kind of hurt. Finally he had gambled and apparently, he had lost.

They went in her car. He wasn't capable of driving. Simply staring out of the window as she drove, he remained silent. He followed her into her house and lingered in the kitchen as she put together some food. Why is it we always eat when life kicks us, Catherine wondered. She was wrong though. Although she put a plate in front of him, he never touched it. He sat, looking at it, never speaking. She finished hers and carried the dishes to the kitchen. He followed her automatically, looking like a lost little boy, she thought.

They were sitting in her living room when he finally spoke. "I have to go home...Hank."

"Hank? Who's Hank?"

"Our...my dog," he said sadly. She's left and I'm stuck with a dog named after her loser ex boyfriend, he thought to himself.

"I didn't know you had a dog...hey, didn't Sara date a guy named Hank awhile back?"

"Yeah," was all he said.

"Oh..." Well, at least he's talking a little, she mused. "Okay, I'll take you home to see about the dog. But you're sleeping here tonight."

Gil's eyebrow shot up briefly but he said nothing. Following her to her car, he climbed in the passenger side. Once they were at his place, he got out. This time she followed him. She didn't want him walking into that house alone.

Slowly he put the key in the lock and turned it. Stepping inside the door, he was immediately greeted by a big boxer, obviously happy to have him home. Gil patted his head absently. Catherine walked in and watched the exchange. Then Gil pulled a leash off a hook nearby and hooked it to the dog's collar. "Have to go walk him," Gil said.

"Mind if I go too?"

"Okay." He headed out the door and the three of them walked to the sidewalk. They made the block and headed back inside. Gil went through the motions of normalcy. He put food out and fresh water for Hank. He checked the stack of mail on the counter and then sat down on his couch. Catherine followed him and sat at the other end. "Really Cath, I'm okay. You have Lindsey to take care of. I think I'm going to do some reading and then go to bed."

Recognizing her cue to leave, she said good bye and slipped out of the door. Gil sat on the couch awhile longer, staring at nothing. Eventually he walked around the house, looking in each room. He wasn't expecting to find her, but he was hoping...

Back on the couch, he pulled the note out of his pocket and read it again. "You know I love you..." He thought he knew that. But if she loved him, why did she leave without even talking to him? Of course, he knew the answer. If she had talked to him, he would have convinced her to stay...or he would have gone with her. Neither was what she wanted. More than anything, he wanted her to have what she wanted; he wanted her to be happy. Somewhere in the back of his mind that old saying from the seventies popped out_. If you love someone, let them go_... So he had to let her go.

Looking at the note again, he repeated, "I will miss you with every beat of my heart." Yeah, he thought...me too. He slid down onto the couch and slowly drifted off to sleep. Several hours later, he was awakened to the sloppy licks of Hank. "Time for another walk, fella?"

Hank wagged his tail and Gil recognized the hint. Grabbing the leash, he hooked it to the dog's collar and they headed out of the door. As they made the block, Gil was deep in thought. He knew Sara had demons from her past; they had talked about them from time to time. It was what drove her on so many cases. But this last case, it had really gotten to her. He wished he'd read the signs better, but he was just so happy that she was alive. He had been so frightened when Natalie had kidnapped her and left her in the desert that his relief at her return to him had been all consuming. He'd finally even admitted to himself how much he needed her and suggested that they get married. She'd agreed, he muttered to himself. Why had she agreed to marry him and then left like that? Did she not want to marry him? Sadness filled his heart as he realized he wasn't enough for her but he knew that the same could be said of him; she wasn't enough, he needed his work. She had brought joy into his life, but his work was a part of him.

They were back in front of his house. He led Hank inside, unhooked the leash, and returned to the couch. Hank pattered off to his bed in the corner and the house grew quiet, too quiet. He missed her presence. Suddenly he felt lonlier than he'd ever felt in his life. Tears leaked from his eyes and as he gave in to his sadness, he began to weep. He hated the weakness he was feeling. Finally he forced himself to stop. "Get a grip," he told himself outloud. Just as he got his emotions under control again, there was a knock at his door.

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	2. Trying toCope

He wondered who would be at his door. Briefly Gil considered ignoring the knock, but Hank continued to bark, indicating that whoever it was, they weren't leaving. Finally, he made his way to the door and opened it. Catherine was standing on the other side.

"Oh…you're back," he said.

"Glad to see you too," she said as she moved past him into his house. She was carrying take out bags and headed for his kitchen. Sliding them onto the counter, she turned to him and smiled. "Figured you'd skip eating so I brought something. And I'm going to sit here until you eat it."

Gil looked frustrated. But he had to admit that he was beginning to feel a little hungry. Shrugging his shoulders he made his way over to the bags. Opening them, he saw that she had brought some of his favorite choices. Almost twenty years of friendship was paying off. Digging out a couple of the containers, he glanced up at her. "There's too much here for just me. Why don't you join me?"

"Thought you'd never ask," she said, licking her lips as she moved toward the counter.

They ended up on his couch, eating out of each other's containers and spilling food in the process. Catherine dropped a bit of eggroll onto his shirt as she dug into his platter and then stabbed it with her fork, lifting it off his chest and into her mouth. Gil looked first at his shirt and then her mouth with surprise. Then Catherine began to giggle. "What?" he asked.

"I wish you could see your face," she laughed." It's priceless."

"Well, I've never had anyone eat off of me before….made me feel like a poo poo platter," he chuckled.

"Wonder who came up with that name for it anyway?" she asked.

"What? Poo poo platter?" He was grinning now.

"Yeah….I mean, who associates poo poo with eating?"

Gil chuckled. "You sound like a three year old when you say it."

"I do? Poo poo," she repeated.

Gil smiled at her and then his face relaxed. "Thanks," he said.

"For what?"

"Coming here….cheering me up. A couple of hours ago I wouldn't have thought laughter was possible."

"Yeah well, I owe you one, or a few. You've always been there for me Gil. I just want to return the favor. And I want you to know that you aren't alone."

"Yeah, I know." Two sets of blue eyes locked together in silent understanding. No words were spoken yet each got the message from the other. Catherine was telling him that she'd be there for him and he was accepting that thanking her.

Finally, she broke the connection. "Well, I'll help you clean up and then get out of your hair. I'm sure you could use some sleep or a shower or something before work. And I need to spend some time with Lindsey."

"Clean up? That's easy," he said as he gathered the empty containers and threw them in his trash can. She walked toward him and did something she knew he would hate; she hugged him. To her surprise he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. "Thanks for being a friend," he said calmly.

"Always," she smiled. "I'll see you at work."

After she left, Gil sat down with a new journal. Before he could sink into it, however, he pondered her visit. As much as he hadn't wanted to open the door, he felt better because he had let her in. Maybe he should have learned to open doors long ago, before Sara battered his inner door down. Maybe things would be different now if he had. But….he still had Catherine and his other friends. Somehow that knowledge made him miss Sara a little less.

After reading a couple of articles, he decided a nap was a good idea. He headed for the bedroom and climbed in between the covers of his bed; his bed…no longer their bed. He slid his glasses onto the nightstand, knocking a book onto the floor. When he reached down to pick it up, he saw the paper that had fallen out. It was his letter to her; the one he never mailed.

He read the beginning…

Sara,

Our parting was awkward. I don't know why I find it so difficult to express my feelings for you ... even though we're far apart; I can see you as vividly as if you were here with me ... I said I'll miss you, and I do.

He reflected on his words from a year ago; they were still true. Then he began to wonder why he hadn't mailed the letter; fear, he supposed. Now it was too late. But the emotions behind his words had even greater meaning for him. Rather than reading the sonnet from The Bard, his mind reflected on another author and the title of his work, _Paradise Lost._

Their time together, especially the tenderly sweet time after his return from sabbatical, had been paradise. And he'd believed that her return to him from the desert was even more precious. But for her, it had apparently been the continuation of a nightmare; one which she had to escape.

He carefully placed the letter between the pages of the book and set it on the table. Maybe one day he would be able to read it all the way through without pain, but he doubted it. Thinking for a moment, he got up and retrieved her note. Walking to the nightstand, he placed it in the book with the letter. For some reason, it seemed right that they should be kept together.

Climbing back into bed, he pulled the covers over him and settled down, falling to sleep with his new bed partner, Hank, stretched out at the foot. No, I guess I'm not alone, he thought as he drifted off.

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	3. Too much Help

Okay, there is dialogue included here that was written by the CSI writers. It's not mine but it is pretty good, lol.

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Gil worked his way through the week, literally. He spent almost every waking hour at the lab. He made it through all the case reviews, was ahead on scheduling and requisitions, and had just a few monthly reports to complete. He'd also been a part of almost every case that they got called out on. He even spent some time pestering the lab rats, watching them work and taking a greater interest in their techniques. His greater interest made them nervous. One night he even called on his earlier days as a coroner in LA and helped Doc Robbins in the morgue. He did everything he could think of to keep from going home to an empty house and having time on his hands. Hank was suffering, he knew, but it couldn't be helped.

Sleep was difficult, especially after his brief phone call to Sara. She hadn't wanted to talk. All he could get from her was that she was in San Francisco visiting her mother and she didn't want him to come see her. He told her that he just wanted to see her and talk….no pressure to come back or anything. But she had said no, she needed this time to herself. He understood, but it didn't make him feel any better.

When he did allow himself time to think about it, he decided that this was payback for him leaving for a month the year before. But he had talked to her, he thought to himself. He had explained it all _before_ he left. On the other hand, he didn't call or write for the entire month….at least as far as she knew. Maybe it would be okay. After all, his time away had given him a new perspective and things had been much better after he got back. But his demons had been work related; hers were more personal. Her good bye had sounded final and it frightened him.

He had never allowed himself to open his feelings so much before. But she had chipped away at his resolve and finally broken through. That had frightened him too. But then slowly, he grew to depend on her presence; the knowledge that she was there and she loved him. It had felt good to be loved so much. And he had enjoyed opening his heart and showing his love to her. But now it was over.

He wanted her to be happy. He really did. But her leaving the way she left hurt and now anger was beginning to creep in. Not wanting to be angry with her, he tried to push those feelings away, but when he was alone and had time to think it became more and more difficult. Sometimes when he was trying to sleep those feelings would overtake him. The shock of her departure was passing and confusion was settling in. So he stayed at work even more.

Grissom was walking with Jim Brass through the hallway, with a file folder tucked under his arm. He was trying to finish a report for Ecklie.

Talking to the detective he explained, "Ecklie's been on me to finish the monthly stats, so I need a list of all the lab call-outs from dispatch as soon as you can."

"You'll have it by the end of shift tomorrow," Jim promised.

"Thanks."

Changing his tone, Brass commented. "So, you've been pulling a lot of doubles this week."

"Yeah, it's about all I do."

"Have you been in touch with Sara?"

"We've talked a little." Very little, he thought.

"So where's she at?"

"San Francisco, visiting her mother."

"No, I mean -- that's nice. No, but I meant where's she at emotionally?

You know, with respect to the two of you."

"I can't speak for her." He wished they could change the subject.

Trying to be a friend, Brass continued. "So speak for yourself."

"I can't talk, I'm really busy." He walked away from Brass, hoping his friend would get the hint. Making his way back to his office, he buried himself in his work, again.

Later Nick poked his head in the door. "All right, Grissom. That's it for me. I'm out of here."

Gil looked up. "Have a nice day."

Nick lingered in the doorway. "Yeah, I'm going over to Frank's to grab something to eat. I'll probably be there for at least an hour if you want to ... if you want to join me."

He nodded and then headed out but then stopped. "You know, we don't have to talk about anything in particular. Just two guys having breakfast. I just don't think it's good for people to be alone too much." Then he left.

That was awkward, thought Gil. He just wished everyone would stop acting so weird. It just made him think about things more. Focusing, he returned to his work.

Later, he was making his way through the hall when Catherine caught up with him. He knew it was going to be another questioning when he saw her face. She was on a mission.

"Oh, hey. How are you?" she asked.

Her we go, thought Grissom. "Why?"

"I can't ask how you're doing?"

He felt a little guilty. She was just trying to be his friend, something he needed right now. But he wasn't sure how many more concerned friend's probing he could take. "I'm sorry. I've just had a lot of ... uh ... I've been busy."

"Oh. Well, maybe you should take a few days off, for once in your career. I mean, you've got enough stored up. Go after her."

Looking at her, he thought that at least she was taking a different approach. It was so like her to want him to take action. If she were in his shoes, she'd be there by now, he knew. "It's not what she wants."

Looking back at him, mildly surprised by his lack of concern for his own needs, she asked, "What do you want?"

"I want her to be happy." And then he walked away.

Catherine was impressed by his apparent calm. She knew that despite his reputation for no emotions, when he cared about something, or in this case, someone, he cared deeply. It was typical that he would set aside his own emotions to care for hers. Lord knows, he's done it enough times to help me, she thought. Suddenly she was afraid for him. What would it do to him when he finally acknowledged his own feelings about Sara's departure?

Grissom went back to his work. As the stack of reports and files got shorter, he decided it was time for a break. As he walked into the breakroom, his eyed on the board game on the table. It caught his interest.

Seeing his interest, the game's owner, Hodges tried to explain. " … based on this place, but not in any legally actionable sense. You get evidence, scenarios, analysis. Try to solve diabolical murders."

Hodges held up the Mindy game piece. Grissom took it from him and looked at it. Then he looked at the board, the rooms, the pieces, the timer, the dice. He was intrigued.

"I like games," he said.

Hodges was surprised by his interest. "Really?"

"Yeah," he said as he sat down.

"Okay. Let's play." Then Hodges began reading the cover. "What makes it hard to catch a killer? Is it the sheer destructive power of the murder itself that obliterates evidence …" They began to play.

Hodges was amazed as he watched the mind of his superior at work, solving the crime in the game. "I am a mere Padawan in the presence of the Jedi Master." He said as he put his hands flat together and bowed to Grissom.

Accepting Hodges' praise, Grissom replied. "True." Looking at his watch he continued, "Let's play another."

"Sure."

As he shuffled the scenario cards, he glanced at Grissom.

"You weren't ready -- to leave -- this: the challenges, the puzzles, and the job."

"No."

"But Sara was."

"Yeah, she was." Grissom was a little impressed that Hodges, of all people, would be the one to pick up on that aspect of Sara's departure.

Hodges treated it matter of factly. "You can't stand in the way of that. When it's time for someone to move on, you just gotta let them go."

Grissom didn't want to talk about it anymore. "Let's play the game, shall we?"

After the shift, Grissom went home, walked Hank and fed him. Then after a lunch that he didn't want, Gil rinsed the dishes and then headed for bed. He needed to escape into the mental void of sleep.

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	4. Nightmares

"Sara….please Sara," he called out, waking himself from the nightmare. Sitting up in the bed, he tried to recall just what the dream had been about. All he could recall was Sara disappearing, just out of his reach. Something about it had frightened him, but he couldn't remember what. He tried to clear his mind. Hank, stretched out at the foot of the bed, was eyeing him expectantly. Finally, Gil crawled back beneath the covers, ready to attempt sleep.

The next time he woke up, he was yelling. He wasn't sure why he was yelling but he heard the sound of his voice in his ears and knew he was loud. Still unable to recall the events of the dream, he shook his head and tried to think of something else. Finally, he was able to drift off again.

The third time he woke up from the nightmare, Hank looked at him with disgust and jumped off the bed. Heading to his bed in the corner, he looked back at Gil with disappointment in his expression. Gil looked around the room as if there might be a clue to his dream. Of course, there was not.

He got up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water. As he stood at the sink, he realized that he was shaking. Using both hands to hold his glass, he made his way to the couch. His cell phone sat on the table. He set his glass down and reached for it. Dialing her number, he hoped that Sara would actually pick up.

"Sidle," she answered.

"Sara, its Gil…."

"Yeah…caller ID, you know," She bordered on sarcasm.

"Right. I, uh…I know you aren't ready to talk but….I had a nightmare and I needed to hear your voice, know you are okay."

"I'm okay, Gil." Her tone was flat.

"Okay. I….um…I miss you."

"Me too. But I can't do this….I need space right now."

"I know. I'm not trying to …"

She interrupted. "Look Gil, please, I'll call you when I'm ready to talk. I'm sorry you had a nightmare, but I'm okay. Really, I am." Her impatience was evident in her voice.

"So…you're feeling better then?" He was hopeful.

"Kind of. I don't know how to explain it. But …"

"Yeah….don't call, you'll call when you are ready." Anger was beginning to creep in again.

"I'm sorry, Gil. I know this is difficult for you and I miss you too. I just know that I have to do this…. I'll never be good for anyone else until I sort this out, because I'm no good for me. Besides, I couldn't keep doing the job and you're not ready to give it up."

"I ….. Yeah, it is a part of who I am."

"I know." She actually sounded if maybe she cared.

There was an uncomfortable silence. He wanted to continue talking but couldn't think of anything to say. Finally she broke the quiet. "Well, I have to go. I'm sorry you had a bad dream, but next time ….maybe call Catherine or Jim. I can't keep doing this." The impatience was back.

"Okay. I lo…" His heart broke again as he heard her phone go dead. Angrily, he threw his phone on the table. He watched it as it skipped across the table and bounced to the floor. He didn't want to be angry with her and so was getting upset with himself, which only made him angrier with her.

But at least she answered, he thought. Usually she doesn't even answer. And she's okay. It was just a nightmare….

He sat for a few more minutes, trying to calm down. All he could think of was the tone of her voice. All he wanted was to know she was okay. Why didn't she even want to talk to him….even a little? But she'd made it clear that she didn't. It hurt. It hurt so much that he felt like his chest would explode. The shaking wouldn't stop. Suddenly, he realized that he was crying. The crying intensified into sobs. Why was she cutting him off?

He forced himself to calm down. She needed this time, he told himself. It was her own personal journey to finally put her past to rest. Then perhaps, she could find peace. But he also knew that her attitude, her cutting him out….it meant that they were over. He tried to think about how good their time together had been but it just made him sadder.

Glancing at the phone, still on the floor, he remembered her words….."Call Catherine." Stepping over to it, he picked it up and found her in his call list. Pushing the button, he waited to hear the connection.

"Gil?" her sleepy voice answered.

"Yeah…oh, I'm sorry. I woke you up. I'll see you tonight."

"Its okay, Gil." She sounded concerned.

"No, I….I'll see you later." He hung up quickly.

Just hearing her voice had calmed him. But now he felt bad about waking her. Stretching out on his couch, he chastised himself for being so thoughtless. He should have known that Catherine would be sleeping. He'd have to find a way to make it up to her. Now that he was calmer, his eyes began to get heavy and he was soon dozing.

A knock at his door woke him sometime later. Stumbling across the room, he opened the door. It was Catherine. He saw the look of concern on her face and immediately gathered her into a hug. He was so relieved to see her.

The tell tale signs of his earlier sobs were on his face and alarmed Catherine. His hug added fuel to it. He rarely hugged anyone. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I…um….I had a bad dream."

They walked to the couch and sat down. What was it about?" she asked.

"I'm not sure except Sara was in it. I woke up and was yelling. But I can't remember the details." He didn't want to admit how shaken he had been by the dreams…how frightened. But he suspected she knew. After all, she knew him as well as anyone did.

Watching him for signs of what was left unsaid; she realized that there was a lot he wasn't telling her. "Gil, are you …afraid for her, that something might happen to her?"

Bingo, he thought. She had read him. "Well….yeah."

"It's only natural, you know. After everything that happened with Natalie and all…. "

She had wondered how long he could keep those emotions all bottled up inside of himself. First the fear and dread with her kidnapping and the worry as they looked for her in the desert and then the euphoria of finding her alive, followed by the worry about their jobs and how that would be resolved. And then she just disappeared on him, leaving the note. He liked roller coasters, but this one was proving to be too much for even him.

Gil was thinking along the same lines. He had been so scared when Sara had been kidnapped, almost out of his mind with fear. After really bad cases, he often rode roller coasters to feel alive again. But Sara had done that for him in a way that the coasters never could. Loving her, being with her, awakened his senses in a new and exciting way. And now she was gone, out of his life…. And he was left to feel….what? "I know. But that's not all…."

Catherine waited patiently. She knew that he was processing things in his mind and wasn't able to verbalize them yet, but even if he were, he still might not want to. He was, after all, a very private person and tended to keep his thoughts and emotions to himself.

His deeply thoughtful expression began to change to one of trust as he looked at her. "I….I'm feeling all these things that I've never felt before. Well, not like this, at least…"

"Like what, Gil?" she asked quietly.

"Like…hurt, wounded almost. And….I have always been content to be on my own before but now…. And the worst, I think….I'm angry at her and I don't want to be angry. How can I be this angry at her and love her too?"

"Think about it Gil….we don't get so angry at the people we don't care about. We feel other things about them, but not this kind of anger. The people we care about have the greatest ability to hurt us, and often with hurt comes anger."

He looked at her, once again amazed at how well she understood emotions. He wished he was as smart about them as she was. But then he would have had to open himself up to all of those emotions as she had done. She was stronger than he was about that. Too much emotion frightened him…it clouded his thinking, his judgment, and left him without all of his self control. He had forgotten that with Sara and now he was paying the price.

She could see the thoughts spinning in his head. She just wished she knew what he was thinking. Whatever it was, she didn't feel good about it. And she didn't want him be alone right now. "Hey Gil, go throw some things in a bag and come sleep at my house; you can shower and change for work there too. Lindsey wouldn't mind having a fresh face at the dinner table either."

Gil looked like he was going to refuse but then something else crossed his face and she thought maybe he would agree. Then Hank padded through the room and Gil shrugged, "I can't leave Hank by himself for that long."

Catherine eyed the dog. "He's potty trained, right?"

Gil rolled his eyes, "Yeah."

"So bring him too. Lindsey would love it."

"Cath, I don't want to …I mean, you and Lindsey don't have to babysit me."

"Of course we don't. But we would enjoy your company and I think you could use a little of that too."

"Little of what?"

"Company."

He hesitated but finally agreed and headed for his room to 'throw some things in a bag.' He and Hank followed her to her house and she helped him get settled into her guest room. Tucked warmly under a blanket, he drifted off to sleep while Catherine headed to her room to do the same.

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	5. A Friend Indeed

Catherine woke up in time to greet Lindsey as she came home from school. She explained that Gil was asleep in the guest room and asked her to be quiet.

"Why's he here, Mom?"

"Look honey, He's having a difficult time right now. He needs his friends."

"Yeah, well…he wouldn't be having difficult times if he hadn't hooked up with Sara."

"Lindsey!" Catherine's tone and expression warned the girl to change the subject.

"Okay….I'll be quiet."

"Thanks."

Lindsey was in her room and Catherine was preparing supper when she heard Gil cry out. She headed for the guest room and found Lindsey standing outside the door. "I think he's crying, Mom," she said worriedly.

"Okay, honey, I'll take care of it…." Catherine went into the room where she found Gil sitting up in the bed.

'Sara?" he asked, confused.

"No Gil, it's Catherine. You're at my house. You had a bad dream." She sat on the edge of the bed as she spoke.

Looking at her, his mind began to focus. "Yeah…Sara…..she was…gone, out of reach. I couldn't get to her."

The tears were drying but he didn't look any less upset. "So, call her Gil. Talk to her and hear that she's okay."

He looked down sadly. "I did call her…before. She doesn't want to talk to me. She was sorry I was having bad dreams but…" The tears began to roll out of his eyes again. "God Cath, it hurts so much…"

She reached over and pulled him into her arms. "I know, Gil. I don't understand it though. Why won't she talk to you?"

"She needs space…it's complicated, but she's trying to put some old ghosts to rest. She…she says that I can't help her with it; she has to do this on her own."

"So…when she's done it….she'll come back?"

"I don't think so. They way she talks…it sounds…final." His self control fell away and he began to sob. "I knew, Cath…I knew that it wouldn't last. I…I tried to keep a distance, I did it for years, but… then I gave into what I was feeling and it was…I was… so happy. And now, it hurts so much. And I'm afraid for her, what this journey might do to her…"

"Gil…." She hugged him tighter. He held onto her as if she were a lifeline. After a few minutes, she could feel him begin to relax. "Come on, she said…you need to get some more sleep." She scooted onto the bed and leaned against the headboard, fluffing the pillow next to her. Patting it, she indicated that he put his head down. Obediently he stretched out, his head on the pillow and his arm around her. Her hand found its way to his head, gently stroking his hair. Catherine thought about how he normally didn't like to be touched and understood the trust he was demonstrating by opening up to her like this. She was being allowed to see him without the carefully guarded self control that had become such an integral part of him. Tears began to leak out again and his body shook with his sobs. "Shhhh, you're going to feel better eventually. In the meantime, you're not alone. Shhh…." She spoke softly, gently, like she used to talk when comforting Lindsey. As her fingers made their way through his curls, her heart was breaking for him. Later, he would be mortally embarrassed by his lapse. But for now, she was just glad that he was here, letting her comfort him. The sobbing stopped and his breathing became more even. Finally, he drifted back to sleep.

Catherine slid out of the bed and headed back to the kitchen. Lindsey was there, finishing the meal. Looking up she asked, "what's wrong, Mom. Why is he acting like that?"

"He's having nightmares about Sara. I think it has as much to do with all the fear when she was kidnapped as it has with her leaving now. It's all mixed up for him. And he fought so hard to maintain his self control when she was missing; he kept all those fears bottled up. It has to come out somehow. In a way, we girls are lucky…we can cry as much as we need to. But men, especially men like Gil, keep it inside. Just try to act normal with him, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll try." Lindsey assured her mother.

Gil woke to the smell of good food. He realized that he was hungry, something he hadn't felt in days. Getting up, he went into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face and brushed his teeth. Then he ventured to the kitchen where he found Catherine and Lindsey. He stood in the doorway a moment, watching them. His heart tightened a bit as he watched. He hadn't been truthful when he'd said that Sara was the only one he ever loved; had he had the courage to admit his feelings years ago, this would be his family now. He had fallen for Catherine the first time he saw her but he never had the courage to act on it. Consequently she had gotten involved with Eddie and his opportunity was lost. They had remained friends and then became co workers. It was Gil, not Eddie that had driven Catherine to the hospital and been there for the birth of Lindsey. Eddie had been out of touch, 'promoting one of his singers.' Gil had accepted the story that Catherine had given him, knowing what Eddie was really out doing. Being there for Cath and then holding Lindsey just minutes after her entry into the world had been one of the highest experiences of his life. As much as he wished that the little family was his, he had carefully pigeon-holed his feelings on that subject and locked them away. Catherine was married and Eddie was Lindsey's father. Gil was just a friend and he made sure that he never overstepped that role. But as he stood there, watching the two, some of those feelings leaked out and filled his heart.

When he met Sara, he thought he'd finally found someone else who could fill his heart like Catherine had. But Sara was a very different person and his happiness with her was different than it would have been with Catherine. Initially he reacted much the same, fear keeping him from expressing his feelings. But Sara had pushed through his defenses and eventually extracted the truth. And now he was paying for it; she was gone. He had ached for Catherine for a long time after she married Eddie. With Sara gone, his heart was breaking.

Catherine happened to turn toward him just then and saw the expression on his face. She thought she was able to read him most of the time, but this was new to her. She wondered what he was thinking about but decided that it was best to keep things light. "Want to join the fun?" she asked.

He smiled, shyly. "Sure, what do I need to do?"

"Here Uncle Gil," chimed in Lindsey, "you can help me with the salad..."

He made his way to her side and the two stood there, preparing the vegetables. Slyly he looked down at her and wondered for not the first time, how different would his life have been if she was his daughter?

They ate, listening to Lindsey chatter about school and a party that was coming up over the weekend. Gil watched with interest at the interaction between mother and daughter. For all the grief that Lindsey seemed to give her mother, there was an obvious bond between the two.

The three cleaned up the kitchen and then Gil headed to the shower. Catherine wanted to spend a little more time with Lindsey and would wait to shower. After he finished and was dressed and ready for work, he went into the living room. Lindsey was there, working on schoolwork. Catherine headed for the bathroom while Gil sat down to help the teenager with her chemistry homework.

After she finished her chemistry, Lindsey put in a movie. Gil took one look at the title and decided he'd go read in the guest room. As he walked toward the room, he heard Catherine from her room; she was singing. He paused in the hallway and listened. He saw movement in her room and realized she was dressed. Stepping into the doorway, he watched her again. "You sounded good," he said finally.

She spun around and laughed, "yeah …right."

"No, honestly…you did." He was actually smiling.

"Come in, I'm decent. You can keep me company while I finish."

Gil stepped into the room and gingerly sat at the foot of her bed. She moved around, searching for the right jewelry and then walking into the bathroom. He watched as she touched up her makeup and put the finishing touches on her hair. He was fascinated as he watched. He had watched Sara do her make up and hair many times, but Catherine made it a work of art. He found it intriguing and his head tilted, his face taking on his 'experimental' look, as Catherine thought of it. She glanced at his reflection in the mirror and smiled. Good, she thought, his mind is on something besides Sara…

An hour later, Lily showed up to stay with Lindsey and the two CSIs headed out to work.

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So, how am I doing? Still Like? On the right track?


	6. More Notes

Grissom had handed out assignments and sent the various members of the team to their scenes. He sat in his office reviewing case files and signing off on them. He heard someone walking in the hall and glanced up to see Catherine as she turned the corner and walked down the hall toward one of the layout rooms. He'd always enjoyed watching her walk away from him; at least until things had gotten so serious with Sara and he'd begun to feel guilty about deriving such great pleasure from observing another woman's body. "I suppose I'm free to enjoy that view again," he thought to himself. He loved the way her hips swayed and…"whoa; those are some close fitting pants she's wearing tonight. They fit like a second skin, hugging her shape in a very pleasing way. And they form around her …." damn Grissom, what are you thinking? He grinned slightly and forced himself back into the confines of the file. His mind couldn't quite release the image, however, of her nicely curved and covered tush.

He finished that file and remembered one in his brief case that he had taken home to finish and never gotten to. Reaching in the case, he pulled the file out and watched as a piece of paper slid out also. It fell to his desktop and settled there. Putting the file down, he picked up the paper. It was a note….

_Hi Uncle Gil,_

_I know you were having a bad day today and it made me sad. I really enjoyed dinner together. It was almost like a family, you know? And when you helped me with my homework, it was like….having a dad again, only better. So, even though I'm sorry you were having a bad day, I just wanted you to know that you really made mine._

_I hope you'll spend the evening with us again soon._

_Lindsey_

Gil sat, staring at the note. Her reference to being family brought back the thoughts he'd had earlier about how Catherine and Lindsey could've been his family. Sometimes, he mused, regrets are a terrible thing to have to live with. Carefully, he slid the note back into his case and returned to the files. Sometime later, his phone rang. It was Nick. He needed help on his case. Grissom was relieved to leave the files sitting on the desk and go work a scene.

As it turned out, Nick didn't really need much help. .He just needed to run the scenario by someone and be sure he had all the pieces to the puzzle. Still, Gil enjoyed the mental exercise and hung around with the younger CSI as he finished and packed up his kit. On the way back to the lab, Gil decided to stop at a C store and pick up a snack. He made his selection and was paying for it when he spotted a vase with red roses for sale. Acting on impulse, a rare thing for him, he snatched up two of them and added them to his purchase.

Just as the shift was ending, Catherine returned to her desk to find two red roses lying across her blotter. Each had a note attached with ribbon. One was addressed to her and the other to Lindsey. Recognizing the handwriting, she opened her note.

_Stealing a line from a very old song….._

'_Mrs. Willows, you have a lovely daughter….'_

_It should come as no surprise however, since she has an extraordinarily lovely mother._

_Thanks for last afternoon and evening. _

_Gil_

Catherine was dying to know what was in Lindsey's note but she forced herself to leave it alone. Hopefully Lindsey would share it with her later. She headed down the hall to his office but found it dark. He had left already.

About the time that Catherine found the roses, Gil was standing in line for a ride on a roller coaster. Once seated, he waited for the cars to begin to roll. Finally they made it to the top of the first hill and began a hair raising descent. It was then that Gil Grissom released all of his pent up regrets, yelling and screaming as loudly as he possibly could and letting the anguish flow out of him. After the third trip around the track, he felt his self control returning and he headed for home.

As soon as he entered his house, he knew he had a problem. Hank was still at Catherine's. "How could I have forgotten?" he asked himself.

Debating whether he should call or just head over there, he stood in the middle of his living room in confusion. His cell phone began to ring. Pulling it out of his pocket, he checked the ID. It was Catherine. "Grissom," he answered.

"Did you forget something?" The amusement in her voice was unmistakable.

"Ah…I don't think so….." he smiled.

"I'll give you a hint. It's big and slurpy."

"Oh, _that_…. Well, Lindsey seemed to really like having him around…."

"Nice try. But he's decided that my bed is his bed and won't move. And while I've slept with some real animals before, they were at least still of the two legged variety."

Chuckling, Gil responded. "Okay, I'll be there soon to get him." Grabbing his keys from the counter, he headed to his car and then to Catherine's to retrieve Hank.

She let him in as soon as he knocked. Hank came bounding in from the hallway when he heard Gil's voice. Catherine watched as he patted the dog but seemed to linger over putting on his leash. "Lindsey walked him already," she offered.

Looking up, he tilted his head. "She did?"

"Yeah, and since you are here, I thought maybe….breakfast?" She saw his hesitation and then decision.

"Sounds nice." He put the leash back on the table where it had been resting and released Hank. Then he followed Catherine into her kitchen.

"The roses were nice, thank you," she said. "Lindsey loved hers….and the note."

Looking shy all of a sudden, he nodded.

"She let me read it. That was very sweet of you, Gil."

The words in his note were still running through her head.

_Lindsey,_

_Thank you for cheering me up yesterday and the note you put in my bag. I agree, it did feel like family. And helping you with your homework….I felt like a dad. Sometimes I envy yours; he had a very special family._

_Uncle Gil_

Looking sheepish, he spoke softly. "She put a note in my brief case. I, um….appreciated it."

"She loves you, you know. You were so good to her after Eddie died. She's missed you…" She was digging in the refrigerator.

Gil immediately felt guilty. After he and Sara had started dating, he had slipped further and further out of their lives. ….more regrets. "I love her," he said in a quiet, choking voice.

Seeing the guilt and regret flash across his face, she regretted telling him that Lindsey had missed him. "It's okay, Gil. You are entitled to a life of your own, you know."

"But you and Lindsey were a big part of my life for so long. And then I just…let it slip away."

"You didn't do anything wrong. Things change….that's a part of life. You had a right to follow your heart and build a relationship with Sara." Reaching in the cabinet, she pulled out two glasses.

"Yeah," he groaned. "But I hurt Lindsey in the process."

"She's fine, Gil. She understands." Catherine handed him a glass of orange juice.

"I've missed this," he said after sipping the juice.

"What? The juice?" She was confused. "It's ordinary orange juice…"

"Breakfast…with you," he said pointedly, looking into her eyes.

Smiling, she looked away. "I've missed it too." Emotions that she thought had been buried long ago were churning within her. Suddenly the old longing for him was bubbling back and boiling to the surface of her consciousness. His direct look, searching her eyes, was making it worse. If only he knew how much she had missed it….him.

They began the task of preparing breakfast. Quickly, they slipped into their old routine and were soon enjoying a quiet, comfortable meal together.

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Okay, in response to popular demand we are picking up the pace here. Let me know what you think:-)


	7. Overdue Connection

"Listen, if I don't get out of this day old make-up and these stale clothes, I'm going to get cranky." Catherine smiled at him as she spoke.

Drying the last of these dishes, he smiled back. "Okay, I get the hint. I'll get Hank and we'll head out."

"No," she almost yelped, "that's not what I meant. I…look just make yourself comfortable while I get this make up off and some fresh clothes on, okay?"

A little confused and feeling very shy, Gil nodded. He watched her as she walked down the hall, still wearing those oh, so tight pants. The way they outlined her cheeks and ….damn, don't go there, he thought. But they did give a guy ideas….

Catherine had just made it into her bathroom and dug out the cleanser when he appeared behind her in the mirror. He was leaning against the door jam, quietly watching her with the same look of interest that he'd worn the day before when she applied the make up. Chalking it up as just another Gil thing, she continued with her task. Using one of her cosmetic pads, she applied the cleanser.

Gil watched her, fascinated. Her movement was always so graceful. And even covered in the white creamy stuff, she looked beautiful. He felt himself being drawn to her and before he realized it, he was standing just behind her in the bathroom.

Catherine looked up at his reflection, a quizzical expression forming on her face. "Gil?" she asked quietly.

He reached over to her hand and took the clean pad from her and then turned her to face him. Gently, he began to remove the cleanser. His strokes were precise and careful, removing all traces of the cleaner as he went. As he studied her face for signs of the white cream, her eyes searched his face for a clue. "What's going on with him," she wondered, just a little in awe of his boldness.

His eyes never left her face as he finished his task. Putting the pad down on the counter, his hand came up to her cheek and gently he held her face. He was lost in her face, her eyes, those lips…..

Catherine was surprised, even shocked when he slowly lowered his lips to hers. She had dreamed of this moment for years and then given up on the dream. They had kissed once before, that night years ago…actually they had done more than kiss, but she was married. He'd been angry with himself for a long time after it had happened and could hardly bear to look at her, so they never went there again. But here he was, kissing her….

His kiss began gently, tenderly but when she didn't back away, he became more intense. He let years of denial flow into the kiss, demanding and receiving more passion, letting lose more desire. He felt like a man who had been starved for years, craving so much and now being given the greatest delicacies. Her lips were no longer enough, so his tongue pushed into her mouth, which only increased his hunger for more. She was like an addiction that he had avoided for years and was now giving into. He wanted more, so much more. He had been angry at himself after their one night together, angry and determined …..it couldn't happen again, she was married. But she wasn't married any longer and Sara was gone. He could have her…and he would. Today… on the damned bathroom tile if need be, but have her he would.

He felt her going weak in his arms and he released the kiss. "Catherine?" His eyes searched her face for some clue. Was she angry? But all he saw was his own desire reflected back at him. She wanted it too. He kissed her again, but this time she participated more, giving back some of what she was getting. What had begun as a gentle kiss was turning into something raw, edgy…..needy. "God Catherine, as many nights as I have lain awake aching for you….I want you…. I've always wanted you…."

"Gil…" her voice was throaty, lusty. "Me too…"

He swept her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom, both of then falling to the bed in a fit of passion, each wanting to fill their hunger. They kissed and caressed, groped and stroked one another, raising the temperature and their need. Clothes fell away as they marveled at and craved the other's body. No kiss was intense enough; no touch caressing enough, nothing was enough as they continued devouring each other. Finally they joined and as the ecstasy built, as they climbed higher and higher in each other's grasp, they reached the place where they had enough. She screamed his name blissfully as he moaned hers. He was in heaven, he was sure of it. He had wanted this, wanted her for so long….sweat mixed with tears as he cried out her name in one last frenzied explosion before he plummeted back to earth. Spent and exhausted, he barely had the strength to move off of her.

She laid there weakly, reveling in what had just happened. Glancing over at him, she was met by his eyes, brighter and bluer than she had seen them in….years. She could see the happy in them and hoped her eyes revealed the same to him. "My god, Gil…where did that come from?"

A small smirk appeared on his lips. "It's those pants you were wearing… looking at that a whole shift and then watching them as you walked down the hall…."

"I…um….will have to get more of those, then. I like the results." It was her turn to smirk.

"Cath," he suddenly grew serious. "That wasn't just about sex, you know. I….I've loved you for years. I've always wanted you, since the first day I met you. But I was too afraid to tell you…."

"You know why I got involved with Eddie in the first place," she said as her finger traced the outlines on his chest. He nodded that he didn't, relishing her touch. "I wanted to make you jealous….only things kind of snow balled with Eddie. He got me hooked and then we got married and the next thing I knew I was pregnant. And it was killing me because I could see the hurt in your eyes every time I looked at you."

"It was tearing me up," he whispered. "I could have stopped it at first, I knew, but then it took on a life of its own. And when I realized you were hooked on coke, it nearly killed me. And then….you married him." He paused to gather his thoughts. "I had to respect your decision….but…I almost left Vegas then. But I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing you. At least, if I stayed, I would get to see you sometimes. And then he began beating you and I knew I had to stay."

"You were always there for me, Gil. I wouldn't have made it if you hadn't been. And there was that one night…." She felt him tense at the mention of it. "It's okay, Gil. I needed it as much as you did. It was….a wake up call for me. Made me realize what a terrible mistake I had made. I decided to leave him but then I found out I was pregnant, so I thought I should stay. It was still a mistake. Well, not Lindsey, of course, but staying with him. He didn't change, he never changed…." The bitterness in her voice hurt him. He should have made her leave. But something else was working in his brain also. It just wouldn't come into focus.

They spent the morning together like they had spent so many mornings over the years, except now there was an occasional touch or pat or hug, even a kiss or two. They fell asleep in one another's arms, content and happy.

When Catherine woke up, he was gone. There was a note on the bedside table.

_Cath,_

_I thought it best that Lindsey not find us together in bed so I took Hank home. The thought of my empty bed seems very cold, though. I'll see you at work. And please don't wear those same pants; I do need to concentrate on the cases…._

_Gil_

_P.S. Will you marry me?_

Catherine stared at the paper. How typical of him….the 'marry me' was a postscript. Well, they certainly had a lot to talk about….

She showered and went to the kitchen to prepare supper. Lindsey was in the living room, working on homework. Catherine went about her task happily, even humming from time to time. Life felt good right now, very good indeed.

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Keep going? End it here? Use the little button please...


	8. Professionals

Catherine arrived at the lab a few minutes early. She wanted to see Gil, talk to him before the night began. As usual, he was in his office, preparing for the shift. She casually walked in and sat in the chair across from him. He was deep in concentration and didn't seem to notice her.

He knew she was there; however, he wasn't sure how to respond to her presence. Every nerve in his body was alive, tingling in response to her nearness. He knew what he wanted but departmental regulations frowned on such behavior. Mature men weren't supposed to act like hormone crazed teenagers, but right now that was what he felt like. He was afraid that if he looked up, he'd be across the desk and on her in a flash. He found that now he had opened his heart to her, he had lost all self control where she was concerned.

She sat watching him. She loved the way he furrowed his brow when concentrating. When he pursed his lips, like he was doing now, she always had to fight the impulse to kiss him. And his hair, oh how she wanted to run her fingers through his hair, entangling her fingers in his curls. When they had first met his hair was a sandy brown with hints of the gray that was coming. Now, gray was mixed in all over his head with it overtaking his temples and the curls above his forehead. Yet somehow he managed to retain his boyish good looks. She marveled at his ability to do that so effortlessly. Her appearance took hours out of her week.

He felt her watching him. He would have to look up eventually. Struggling to maintain his self control, his eyes slowly made their way over the file he was reading and sought hers. A grin spread across his face as he observed the expression on her face. She was having as much difficulty with her self control as he was. He slid his glasses off and carefully set them on the desk in front of him. They sat, eyes locked, in a comfortable but electrically charged silence, content with the moment.

The magic lasted until Greg Sanders came bouncing into the room, "Hey Gris, did you hear…." Gil slowly looked from Catherine to the youngest CSI and wished he would go away.

Greg recognized immediately that he had interrupted something. Embarrassed, he started to back out but saw Grissom eyeing him, so he stood glued to his spot. "Ah, did you hear about the murder over at the Lucky Sevens?"

"No Greg, I haven't checked the call ins yet."

"Oh…well, there was a murder…."

"Yeah, at the Lucky Sevens….I get that Greg," Gil said in frustration.

"Yeah," he said excitedly, "one of the dancers shot the owner."

Catherine snickered at his news. Both men looked at her, surprised by her response. "Sorry," she said. "But every dancer wants to kill the owner at some point." She tried to compose herself but her amusement still shone in her eyes.

Grissom looked at Catherine. "This one is yours…take Greg since he's so excited about it."

Catherine looked at him quizzically. Turning to Greg she instructed him, "meet me out front in ten minutes." Greg nodded and left.

Gil's eyebrow shot up as she turned back to him, consternation on her face. "What?" he asked.

"You're sending Greg out with me? We can't work this one together?" she looked disappointed.

Deadpan, Gil answered. "I have a problem with my hands…."

"Your hands?" Her expression said that she knew there was more to the story.

"Yeah, I'm having a very difficult time keeping them off of you. If I go to a scene with you….well, there will be all that time in the car….and then you'll probably bend over the body. Not to mention …..just being around you all that time…..For the sake of professionalism, I think I'll stay here."

"Chicken," she smirked at him before giving her tush an extra wiggle on her way out of his office. Gil watched her walk away, glad that his desk hid his response, a smile working its way across his lips. He sighed as he turned his attention back to the file in front of him.

Catherine and Greg arrived at the Lucky Sevens and were greeted by Sam Vega. He gave them a run down of what he knew. "One of the dancers, Gina Torello, got into an argument with the manager, Kip Bowman. He ended it by slapping her. She left his office, went to her locker and came back with a gun. He started yelling at her again and she fired at him."

"Seems pretty clear cut, Sam. Why are we here?" asked Catherine.

"Witnesses say they heard two shots fired. There is only one round missing from the chamber of her twenty two and she swears she fired only once."

The two CSIs got to work as Detective Vega continued interviewing more potential witnesses. David Phillips arrived to examine the body. Catherine stayed with him while Greg began to examine the room. As he made his way to the back wall, he zeroed in on a hole in the wall. After taking some pictures, he carefully extracted a slug from the cavity. Holding it in his hand, he walked over to Catherine in time to hear David explaining that the wound looked like it had been caused by a larger caliber than a twenty two. Greg took the opportunity to show Catherine his find. "I have what appears to be a twenty two slug that I took from the wall over there," he said pointing. "If the vic was here and the shooter was by the door, the location would be consistent with the suspect firing at and missing the victim."

"So where did the fatal shot come from?" Catherine asked. David offered that the wound was slightly left of center in the victim's chest and had entered at an angle, indicating that the shooter was firing from Bowman's left. His work at the scene finished, David loaded the body to take it back to the morgue.

Catherine and Greg concentrated their search in the side of the room where the shooter most likely stood looking for any clues that might help them in the investigation. Then Greg went outside and walked around the building, looking for evidence. Vega was still in the bar area of the club, leaving Catherine in the office alone. She heard a sound behind her and turned to see what it was when something hit her on the head, knocking her out.

The attacker tripped over a chair as he tried to make his way out of the room. Vega heard the commotion and came in with a uniformed cop right behind him. The attacker lunged in his direction and pushed Vega aside, knocking him to the floor. It was the uniform's nightstick that stopped the attacker. The uniform rammed it into the guy's gut and then swept his knees sending him to the floor in a heap. By then Vega had recovered and both officers subdued the guy and cuffed him. Turning to see Catherine unconscious on the floor, Vega immediately called for the EMTs. Dispatch notified the lab that one of their investigators was down and Grissom was on the phone with Vega before the ambulance arrived for Catherine. Sam explained what had happened and Grissom told Vega that he would meet Catherine at the hospital. They hung up and he called Greg, who had also just found out what happened. Greg assured him that he could stay and keep working the investigation. "Okay," said Grissom. "But I'm sending the new girl over to help…"

He found Ronnie in the break room and told her to head over. Then he headed to his car and sped out of the parking lot towards the hospital.

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I do appreciate all the kind reviews and comments. So how far do I take this? Still interested?


	9. Ouch!

Grissom ran into the ER just as they were bringing Catherine in. It all felt so familiar to him, the ER, the staff, the sense of urgency. He had been here just a few months ago for Sara; but it seemed like a long time ago. Now he was here for Catherine; his stomach had knots in it and he felt his hands begin to shake. A nurse directed him to the exam room where Catherine was being taken.

He was relieved when he entered the room and saw that she was awake. The doctor was examining her and she seemed a little groggy, but she was alive and awake. Gil began to relax but was still concerned. Slowly he moved toward her. She looked up and spotted him as he moved into the room. "Gil," she called to him.

Edging beside the bed opposite the side the doctor stood on, Gil was studying her intently for reassurance that she really wasn't in serious danger. She was groggy and seemed disoriented but her eyes came into focus when she saw him. He smiled weakly as his eyes met hers. There was so much he wanted to say, wanted to ask; but the words stuck in his throat. His heart was pounding and every breath he took seemed too shallow. His chest felt like it was about to explode. Swallowing hard, he opened his mouth to speak but words just wouldn't come out. His whole world was lying on that hospital gurney; that truth was painfully being made clear to him as he stood there, struggling to control his fear and simply watching.

As she observed him, Catherine understood how strongly he was being affected by all of this. Unsteadily, her hand reached for him, grasping at his. "Gil…"

Responding to her movement, he stepped closer and took her hand. It felt warm in his. "Good," he thought as he relaxed just a little more. He covered their hands with his other hand, holding onto her for both of their sakes. His mouth still wouldn't work but maybe his touch would be enough, he hoped.

"Gil….I'm going to be okay," she whispered.

He glanced from her to the doctor, who nodded in agreement while he listened to her heart. Relief washed through him and his heart and lungs began to act normal. Finally, he could speak. "Cath, I….."

"It's okay, Gil. I understand. After everything with Sara, this had to have scared you." Her voice was sounding a little stronger to him.

Nodding affirmatively, "When Sam told me that it was you that got hurt, I panicked at first. But I couldn't give into the fear; I had to believe you would be okay. I couldn't stand the thought…"

"So, don't think it. I'm okay Gil. And I'm here and have no plans to be anywhere but here with you. You're stuck with me," she chuckled.

He let out a deep breath. With glistening eyes, he leaned close to her face. "You promise?"

Catherine opened her mouth to answer but the doctor interrupted. "Okay Ms. Willows, all things considered, you seem to be in pretty good shape except that you have a nasty cut and bruise on your head and a concussion to go with it. I want to keep you here overnight for observation and if things look good in the morning we'll toss you out. You are probably going to have a really bad headache for a few days but we can give you something to help with that. Is there anyone at home who can look out for you?"

Before she could answer Gil responded. "I'll be there and her mother can watch her while I'm at work."

Catherine was startled by his statement. His tone left no room for argument. He was going to be there for her….not that she ever doubted it; he had always been there when she needed him. But there was a new conviction in his tone and she knew, whether he did or not, that his commitment to her care would be unswerving to the point of obnoxious. Something inside of her glowed at that thought. Finally, he was hers. Closing her eyes, she relaxed and settled into the warmth of knowing that he loved her.

The doctor continued. "We'll get you settled in a room and Gil can visit with you there."

"Oh, I'm not visiting…I'm staying with her until she is released." His tone was matter of fact.

"But our visiting hours are…"

"I could have lost her today, Doc." His eyes were shining a little too brightly, Catherine thought. "I'm not letting her out of my sight until I know that she really is okay." Now his expression was defiant. Catherine knew that Gil was entrenched and the doctor could argue all he wanted too but Gil Grissom was going to be a fixture at her bedside, no matter what hospital regulations said. She had never loved him more than she did at that moment. More than that, she loved that he loved her.

While Catherine was being taken to her room, Gil called Lily to tell her about her daughter. Lily rushed to the hospital and found Catherine and Gil in the room. She fussed and fidgeted over her daughter until Catherine thought she would explode. Gil remembered that Catherine had commented that since Sam Braun's death, Lily had been even more diligent in her relationships with her daughter and granddaughter, sometimes driving them insane. It was showing now.

Eventually Catherine reminded Lily that someone needed to be home for Lindsey. Lily got the hint and headed out, promising to bring Lindsey back that evening. As she turned to leave, Catherine reminded her mother that Lindsey was going to an overnight party at her friend's house and had to be there by ten because the parents were locking the girls in at that time. Lily nodded and waved as she exited the room.

Gil smiled as he watched Lily leave. Turning to Catherine, he grinned. "I think she was probably a lot like you in her younger days," he commented.

Catherine rolled her eyes. "Gil….sometimes you are clueless. No woman ever wants to be told that she is like her mother."

Smirking, Gil responded. "But I meant it as a compliment. She's so….full of life."

"And you're full of….something too." She smiled and then groaned. "It hurts to smile."

Pulling his chair close to the bed, he took her hand and in his and gently kissed it. "Then close your eyes and take a nap. I'm here and I'm not letting go. Let me do all the worrying, you rest."

She gazed into his bright blue eyes, marveling at the turn of events that had brought them together. Even with a sore head, she thought, everything is perfect.

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Oh, how I love reviews. Thanks to all who push the little button! There's more to the story. Do you want to find out? Remember I have that obnoxious rule; reviews equals interest. No reviews and I lose interest. Yeah, I know it is blackmail, so arrest me, lol.


	10. Dark Night

It is very obvious that I am a PureJoy shipper. I said it in my profile and the characters listed for this story are Gil and Catherine. If you are a GSR shipper, please don't use the review button to bash PureJoy or this writer. Two reviewers, who chose not to identify themselves so that I could respond through e-mail, used reviews as their platform. I have nothing against GSR shippers, generally, but since these two...one in particular was so mean, I will enter the fray in later chapters. So if you are a Sara hater, you'll love it. For all those wonderful Grillows shippers who are reading this story, thank you for your very kind comments. And I hope you will continue to read:-)

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As promised, Lily came back with Lindsey. The teen was visibly upset about her mother and went immediately to her bedside. Gil relinquished his chair to let her sit close to Catherine. He eased his way to the back of the room and once again drank in the sight of the mother and daughter; or in this instance, three generations.

As he watched the trio, he was again struck by the similarities between Catherine and Lily. And there were many similarities between Catherine and Lindsey. Suddenly, like a bolt of lightening, he was struck by the thought that Lindsey also reminded him of another woman in his life. Lily had said something amusing and Lindsey sat laughing; Gil Grissom could almost hear the sound of his mother's laughter. His brow furrowed and his lips pursed in extreme concentration as his eyes focused on something or someone far away. Could it be? He wondered. Bringing his thoughts back into the room, he focused on the child that he had always wished was his.

After Lily and Lindsey left, Catherine looked at Gil and asked, "are you all right? You seemed….distracted while they were here."

Settling back into the chair, Gil once again took her hand in his. "I'm fine; just have a puzzle that I'm thinking through."

Studying his face, Catherine thought she saw something different in his countenance. Something had changed. If anything, he seemed more tender….almost worshipful in his demeanor. Shaking her head, she thought she must be imagining things. Tired after her visitors, she settled back into her pillow and dozed.

Catherine had been correct in her assessment. As Gil sat watching her, his heart was swelling. Was it possible? Could she have given birth to ….his child? Was he a father all of these years and neither of them suspected? This woman that he had quietly adored for so many she have wondered? After all, they did have that one night and she had announced her pregnancy just a couple of months later. No, he thought. She never would have stayed with Eddie unless she thought it was his baby. Thinking of Eddie made Gil angry. The SOB had beaten Catherine, his Catherine, several times. And he had been a lousy father. Lindsey deserved a better father. Remorse set in as Gil realized that he should have been that better father. And then he began to wonder what he should do ….after all, he was just guessing based on his observations. Maybe he was reading what he wanted to into the child. After all, what are the odds…..

Gil dozed off with all of these thoughts spinning in his head. Consequently, his sleep was not restful at all. To make matters worse, the nightmare returned; except this time it was Lindsey who was just beyond his reach….

Waking after he nearly fell out of the chair, he looked around the room, confused. Then he remembered where he was….and why he was there. Looking at Catherine, he saw that she was still sleeping. Reassuring himself that she was okay, he began to study her face again. He loved the lines of her face, the shape of her eyes, her little nose, and the strength of her jaw. He knew she worked at her good looks….at fighting off the aging process. But he thought that even in thirty years, she would still be a very beautiful woman to anyone who cared to look. For him her beauty was not only in her appearance, it radiated from within. It was that beauty that he found the most interesting.

As his mind wandered, he thought of Sara. She seemed very distant now. He had loved her; part of him still did. She had shown him how to open up and let his feelings out and he was grateful to her for that. But Catherine, in one way or another, had been a part of him for almost twenty years. And after today, he knew that if there was one person he couldn't live without, it was her.

He was startled out of his thoughts by a soft knock on the door. Peeking around the door, Greg asked if he could come in.

"Yeah Greg. She's sleeping but come in."

"How's she doing?" Greg looked nervous and worried.

"Okay. She has a concussion but the doc thinks she'll be fine in a few days. She should get to go home in the morning."

"I feel terrible about what happened. I went outside to check the parking lot and around the building…."

"Greg, you thought the room was clear. I know you wouldn't have left her otherwise. She knows it too." Gil was trying to console the young CSI.

"Yeah, but…if only I had stayed with her."

The sadness in Greg's eyes concerned Gil. "Greg, stop it. You can't blame yourself. It's part of the job. Let's just be grateful that the outcome wasn't worse. Who was the guy, anyway?"

The question had the desired effect. Greg seemed to be coming out of it. "His name is Melvin Snyder. Turned out, he was the second shooter and the one that actually killed the owner. There is a secret room behind the walls of the office there. Snyder was hiding there and when Gina came in and shot Bowman, he saw his opportunity. He opened the door just a little and fired. Then he hid in the room, hoping to get away later. He didn't realize that Catherine was still in the office when he tried to sneak out and so he hit her on the head to try to get away. Vega has him locked up."

"Good," said Gil. Looking at Catherine, who was still sleeping, anger boiled inside him. There wasn't a jail bad enough to lock the bastard in as far as Gil was concerned. Greg was watching his mentor closely. Something had changed. Grissom was different….acting differently towards Catherine. It confused him.

Greg stayed awhile longer but Catherine never woke up, so he left. Gil continued to sit by her bed, dozing. He was awakened by his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. Answering it, he was surprised by an upset Lily. "Gil," she began, "the police were here. Lindsey went to her friend's house and the girls snuck out and went riding in Jennifer's car. They were in an accident." Lily was in tears and the gravity of the situation was hitting Gil.

"Are…is she okay?" He was filled with fear as he asked.

"She was taken to that hospital. She should be in the emergency room by now. One of the officers has offered to drive me there, but would you go dwn and see about her?"

"Of course. I'll see you when you get here." Gil hung up and quickly scribbled a note in case Catherine woke up. He decided to see how Lindsey was before upsetting her mother with the news.

Down in the ER, he was able to locate her almost immediately. Her friend Jennifer was also there. Both girls were in bad shape. Gil's heart constricted as the doctor gave him a run down of the girl's condition. Luckily it was the same doctor that had taken care of Catherine, so he knew why Catherine wasn't there. Having seen the relationship between Gil and Catherine, the doctor was more informative than he otherwise might have been.

"She's suffered a blow to the head and has a broken leg. But my greatest concern is the trauma to her abdomen…more specifically, her kidneys. Apparently she wasn't wearing her seatbelt and got tossed around inside the car, incurring several blows to the area. Preliminary exams and e-rays show quite a bit of trauma. Right now we are trying to get the internal bleeding under control. We're giving her blood to replace what she has lost."

Gil listened intently, studying the man's face for clues about what he wasn't saying. "Just how bad is it, Doc? Life threatening?"

Gil had asked the question that the doctor wasn't ready to answer. "It's too early to say…but possibly. And even if we get her stabilized quickly, the damage to her kidneys…"

"You're saying she might actually lose her kidneys?" Nausea was rising in his gut as he thought about that scenario.

"Again, it's too early to say for sure, but judging by the preliminary exam, I think it is a possibility."

Closing his eyes, fighting down the nausea, Gil tried to think. "If her kidneys fail… What about a transplant?"

"That would be a possibility, depending of course on finding a suitable donor."

"I could do it," Gil offered.

"But…we have no idea if you would even be a match." The doctor looked surprised.

"Do the tests….do it now, just in case." Gil was insistent.

"Well…is there any reason that you think you'd be a match?" asked the doctor.

"Yes," answered Gil succinctly.

Brows furrowing, the doctor studied Gil. He knew there w as more to the story but he didn't have time to dg it out of the man. So he instructed a nurse to take care of having Gil tested as a possible donor and he returned to his patients.


	11. Revelations

An hour later, Gil was standing just inside Lindsey's cubicle in ER. They were waiting on an OR to become available. Her internal injuries were extensive and surgery would be required to stop the bleeding. He was sick with worry and afraid to go back to Catherine and tell her what had happened to her baby….their baby, because Grissom was now convinced that the child in the bed was his.

Lily had arrived while Gil was having his blood drawn for the testing. She was being very brave; Gil could see where Catherine got her strength from. Now she sat next to Lindsey, holding her hand and speaking in soft tones, even though the girl couldn't hear her.

Upstairs, Catherine woke up. "Gil?" She looked around but of course, he wasn't there. Glancing at the table next to her bed, she saw the note. Reaching for it, she had to bring it close to her face to read. Her eyes still weren't quite in focus after the blow to the head.

_Cath,_

_Had to go check on some things. You looked so peaceful; I didn't want to wake you. Will be back soon._

_Gil_

Briefly she wondered how long he had been gone. And what did he have to check on? Maybe he was worried that Hank had been alone for too long. Well, it had to be boring just sitting there watching her sleep, she couldn't blame him for wanting a break.

The doctor entered Lindsey's room and stood next to Gil. "I think you should probably bring her mother down to see her," he said quietly. Gil turned sharply and stared at him. "There are no guarantees here and …well; she should have a chance to see her. I'll call the nurse and arrange for a wheelchair. Why don't you go on up?"

Gil hurried upstairs. He wasn't sure what he would say but the doctor had made it clear that this might be the last time Catherine would see Lindsey. Fear filled his entire being. He was afraid for Lindsey, afraid of how Catherine was going to handle all of this, and afraid for himself. He couldn't stand the thought of losing either of them.

Exiting the elevator, he headed for her room. Seeing him arrive, the nurse followed with a wheelchair. Catherine was awake when he walked in. The nurse pushed the chair in and then left. "Hey," she smiled. "You're back." Her smile faded as she saw his face. "Gil…what's wrong?"

"Cath, honey…" he was fighting back tears. "There was an accident…Lindsey…she's downstairs."

"Oh my god, Gil….how….how bad?" Pushing her covers off, she stood. "I have to go see her. I need to go to her Gil."

"I know…that's why we have the chair. I'm going to take you down." Reaching in her little closet, he pulled out her jacket. "Here, it's cold down there. Put this on."

Catherine knew by his urgency that it was bad. Slipping into her jacket, she sat in the chair. "Let's go."

Gil pushed her down the hall and into the elevator. Down in the ER, he wheeled her down the hall to Lindsey's cubicle. Lily was there, still holding Lindsey's hand. "Mom?" Catherine intoned.

Lily turned to look at her daughter. "They snuck out, Catherine….they snuck out of the house."

Gil pushed her close to the bed. Catherine stood and for the first time saw how bad things were. "Oh god…" Gil put his hands on her arms to support her, steadying her. "Gil…..what did the doctor say?"

"They are waiting for an OR, Cath. They need to stop the internal bleeding. And there is extensive damage to her kidneys. We don't know yet if….."

She put her hand up, her face crumpling into a mix of terror and tears. Gil knew she had heard all she could bear. He gathered her into his arms, holding her tightly, whispering, "We'll get her through this, Cath….I promise. We'll get her through it…." Catherine drew in a deep breath and turned to look at her daughter again. Gil kept his arms around her, hoping she could draw strength from him. They stood like that for a few minutes with Lily standing next to her daughter; the three of them willing the teen to get well.

Entering the room, the doctor was glad to see the support they seemed to be giving one another. They would need that for the next few hours…days. "Ms. Willows….we'll be taking Lindsey to surgery in about fifteen minutes. We need to get the bleeding to stop and then I think we can all breathe a little easier."

"What else…what else is wrong?" Catherine asked.

The doctor ran down a list of her injuries, saving the kidneys for last. "We won't know how bad they are until we get the bleeding stopped and can do further testing. I'm not going to soft peddle here; she could lose them and if she does, it will be a very rough road ahead."

"But…she has to have kidneys to live…" Catherine was beginning to panic. Gil squeezed her again, letting her know he was there for her.

"Yes, she does. There are things we can do to maintain life for awhile but she would eventually need a transplant." Looking at Gil, the doctor continued, "were you certain or was it just a guess?"

Gil winced and shifted his weight. "A guess based on evidence," he replied. "So it's a match?"

"Yes, as good as it gets. The odds are getting better." Looking at the group, he excused himself and left.

Catherine turned to Gil. "What was he talking about? Was what a match?"

"When he told me about her kidneys, I had them test me as a possible donor."

"And you matched? How can that be…." Her voice trailed off as the science clicked in. "Gil…oh, Gil…..are you….does this mean….."

"I'm her father, Cath. Not Eddie. That one night together, we made Lindsey."

"I…I just assumed it was Eddie. I never even thought…oh, God….I made a mess of everything."

"No, hon. You made Lindsey, a beautiful baby and a lovely young lady. Honestly, I never suspected until recently. If she needs a kidney, she can have one of mine."

Catherine hugged him, his arms holding tightly around her. Lily had witnessed the scene and was stunned. She had no idea that the two shared that kind of past. But Gil had always been around, quietly lending support when Catherine needed it. They would need each other now.

The wait seemed endless. Gil had insisted that Catherine try to stretch out on one of the couches in the waiting room. She wasn't able to stay down for long though, nervous energy propelling her off the furniture and into a high speed ramble around the room. Gil's eyes followed her and as she passed in front of him, he reached out and grabbed her hand. "Honey, come sit down. You shouldn't be so active yet."

She looked at him knowing that he was right, she should sit down. But she needed to move, the waiting was killing her.

He saw that in her eyes, but he had to try again. "She's going to need you to take care of her and you won't be able to if you haven't healed. And if you collapse, I can't take care of you both. Please Cath…."

She made herself sit down next to him. He put his arm around her and held her close to him. It was then that she felt the tension in him. He was as scared as she was, she realized. Resting her head on his shoulder, she wondered how he was handling all of this. It was far beyond his usual emotional limits. And he had just found out that he was a father. She wasn't even sure he was dealing with that yet.

His hand was gently stroking her hair. Quietly he began to speak. "She's beautiful Catherine. And she has your strength. Ever since I first gazed into her eyes at the hospital when she was born I've felt a connection. I wish I had understood what it was before now."

She patted his chest. "I do too Gil. You would have been a good father to her….better than Eddie. But you've always been there for her, just on the fringe in case she needed something." She grimaced. "Hell, even not knowing she was yours, you were a better father than Eddie."

"Thank you," he whispered poignantly.

"For what? Keeping your baby away from you?"

"You didn't know….but no, for saying what you said and more importantly, for her….letting me be a part of her life even though you thought Eddie was her father."

"We have a lot to talk about, sort out."

"We do. But for now, let's concentrate on her getting better," he said as he continued to hold her. He was beginning to get really worried; the surgery seemed like it was taking too long.

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Okay, is this twisted enough? What do you think?


	12. Waiting

Finally the surgeon appeared. Approaching the three of them, he pulled up a chair and sat. "Lindsey is in recovery. There were three major sources of the internal bleeding and I think we got them all. While I was in there, I was able to get a look at her kidneys. One is in pretty bad shape but might be able to recover with the right care and diet, but only time will tell. The other one looks pretty good, so we are hopeful that we can help it along and there won't be any need for a transplant. The recovery process won't be easy, but it will be preferable to a transplant."

Catherine managed to speak. "And the bleeding is under control?"

"Yes. We should begin to see some improvement almost immediately. Once we are satisfied that she is ready to move again, she'll be sent to ICU for a close watch. Hopefully, she will have a private room in a couple of days."

"When can we see her?"

"I'll have a nurse call you as soon as she is moved to ICU. Do you know where that waiting room is?"

Gil nodded. They had spent a harrowing few hours there with Jim and with Sara. They were all too familiar with the room.

"Thank you, Doctor. We appreciate what you have done for Lindsey," he said while shaking the man's hand.

"I'm just happy to have good news to report. Hopefully, the news will get even better in the next few days." He nodded to them all and then left.

Catherine turned to Gil, leaning into him, tears sliding down her cheeks. "She's going to be okay, Gil. My…our baby is going to be okay." He held her close to him, relief washing over him. He had promised her that Lindsey would be okay, but he knew what the child was up against. He was relieved that his promise would be good.

They walked to the ICU waiting room, where they sat again, waiting. The phone on the desk startled them when it finally rang. Catherine answered it and received instructions from the nurse. Only two would be allowed back and only for a few minutes. Gil suggested that Lily go back with Catherine but she refused. "They both need you Gil….and I think you need to see her. I'll see her next time."

Catherine took his hand and they walked behind the double doors to the glass world of ICU. Once there, Lindsey's nurse met them and led them to their daughter. "She was awake when they brought her in but she's fallen asleep again. Ten minutes…no more this time."

Catherine nodded in acknowledgement as they stepped into the cubicle. Gil eyes were on Lindsey, taking in every minute detail of her situation. He read the monitors and studied her face. Her coloring was looking better already. He observed the various tubes and wires connected to her, checking her IV. She was too young to have this happening to her, he thought.

Catherine was clinging to his arm as she moved closer. Tentatively she reached for her daughter's hand. The warmth of her fingers relaxed Catherine. "Thank God," she whispered. Gil looked at Cath out of the corner of his eyes. Slowly, he nodded in agreement. Closing his eyes, he too sent out a silent thank you.

Their ten minutes went by too quickly. Gil held Catherine closely as they walked out together. She glanced back over his shoulder as they exited. Squeezing her in reassurance, he whispered. "It's okay, honey. You'll see her again in a little while."

It was a long day in the ICU waiting room. Every two hours they were allowed a visit. They alternated turns, but both Gil and Lily insisted that Catherine go in every time. Gil appreciated Lily's quick acceptance of his role. She didn't seem to question his place beside Catherine.

Sometime around lunch, Jim Brass showed up. He spent an hour with them, taking a few minutes to run down to the cafeteria to bring back some food and beverages. "You need to eat something," he told them.

As she sat nursing a soda, Catherine looked across at their closest friend. "There's something you need to know, Jim. We just found it out ourselves. But Eddie wasn't her father….Gil is." She waited to see how he reacted.

Jim looked from her to Gil and then back. "I guess I should be surprised, but I'm not. There has always been something special between the two of you. I just never realized that you were together…I mean, you've been dating other guys and Gil and Sara…."

Gil joined the conversation. "Lindsey was the result of one night when Catherine and Eddie were having a rough time. I, um….was never very proud of my lapse but I have to admit that I'm very happy about Lindsey. I just don't know how to tell her…or if we should."

Jim studied his friend's face for a long time, thinking. Finally he offered his thoughts. "Look guys, Nancy and I never told Ellie the truth. Now I'm not so sure it was a good decision. There was always this elephant in the room that was between us. Well, you know how things turned out with Ellie. Lindsey's a good kid and she has your strength, Catherine. She deserves the truth. And she deserves a good father….one that can love her unselfishly, something Eddie never seemed capable of."

Gil was deep in thought, considering Jim's words. Yeah, the kid was strong. But the idea of telling her…it made him nervous. On the other hand, he didn't think he could be content with just being 'Uncle Gil' anymore either.

Catherine seemed to be reading his thoughts. She reached over and squeezed his hand. We won't tell her just yet. But once she's home…she deserves the truth, Gil. And so do you." He looked into her beautiful eyes and smiled softly. He trusted her….after all; she was the one that was good with people. She would know how to tell Lindsey.

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Still good? Remember...reviews equals interest:-) I have lots of good stuff planned but if you are losing interest, I'll move on.


	13. Waking

Finally, sometime in the night Lindsey woke up. It was such a relief to all of them to see her blue eyes. She was groggy and unfocused, her few words making no sense. Catherine held her hand and spoke softly to her, reassuring her that although things were strange and frightening, it would be okay.

Gil stood behind Catherine, watching. He saw trust in Lindsey's expression as she listened to her mother. He knew that the two had been having some rough times lately….well, actually since Lindsey turned fourteen. She would be turning sixteen soon. But under all the arguing and impatience, there was a strong bond between the two. He hoped that with time, he and Lindsey would bond also.

As if she read his mind, Lindsey looked past her mother to him. "Uncle Gil," she said in a sleepy voice.

He stepped closer and covered Catherine and Lindsey's hand with his. "Yeah, I'm here honey."

A weak smile touched her lips before fading. Her heavy eyelids slowly closed and she fell back to sleep. Once Catherine was sure that Lindsey was napping, she turned and eased into Gil's chest. "She really is going to be okay," she said relieved.

Wrapping her into his arms, he held her. "She has to be," he whispered.

Gil took Catherine back to her hospital room. She had dozed off and on in the waiting room, but had refused to leave the ICU area until she saw Lindsey awake and had spoken to her. But Gil could see that Catherine needed more than just dozing. Her own medical condition, while not critical like Lindsey's, was of concern. About an hour later, her doctor came in on his morning rounds. He knew that she had essentially been up all night and had not had the care and attention that he had intended. Consequently, he did not want to release her as originally planned. He also firmly suggested that she not spend so much time in ICU. He would okay a visit for her every four hours instead of two, unless Lindsey's condition changed.

Catherine balked at his suggestion but Gil assured the doctor that she would follow his instructions. Once he left, Catherine complained to Gil. "Why did you agree with him? I'm fine, really I am. And I want to see my daughter." Her tone was sharp and edgy.

"I agreed because I want you to heal. Lily and I can keep an eye on Lindsey. I'll come get your for your approved visits. The sooner you get over the concussion, the sooner you will be ready for Lindsey to go home."

Catherine fumed a few minutes longer but slowly, common sense settled in. He was right, of course. She wouldn't be able to care for Lindsey if she was still recovering. She closed her eyes, centering her emotions and then opened them to see him sitting next to her bed, watching her. His expression was easy to read; concern fueled by love.

"Okay, you win." She smiled at him.

A small grin turned the corners of his mouth slightly, as he visibly relaxed. Taking her hand in his he sat quietly, savoring his small victory. "Why don't you get some sleep? I'll be sure to wake you for your next visit with Lindsey."

"Yeah, I have to admit….I am tired. Stay with me awhile?"

"No place I'd rather be," he said simply.

Shallow, even breaths signaled the fact that she had fallen asleep. He continued his vigil at her bedside, needing to be near her. As he watched, his mind reviewed the last few days. An emotional roller coaster was the best way he could describe it….so many different emotions too. Highs and lows with twists and turns in between… He suddenly realized how tired he was. But he couldn't give into it….not yet. He had to be sure Catherine rested and healed and then he needed to check on Lindsey; her condition was still critical. And quietly lending her support was Lily; she had to be feeling the effects of the last few hours also. No, he couldn't rest yet.

Frowning, he was suddenly struck by the reality of how full his life had become in the last few days. After so many years of denial, he had finally opened his heart to Catherine and she had rushed in, filling him with ….ecstasy. And then she had been attacked; fear. Arriving at the hospital there had been so much relief followed by concern…and care. And then the speculation that Lindsey was his, followed by the horror of her accident. He felt such joy at having his suspicion confirmed and began comprehending fatherhood. Up and down and all around went the coaster with Gil hanging on for life. This is, he concluded, the most awesome ride ever; frightening and joyous, intimidating and assuring, compelling and full of challenges. And so very full of promise.

His mind took him back to Sara. He had been intrigued with her from the first day he met her. He tried to deny his attraction for years and keep their relationship as purely friendship, much ahs he had struggled to do with Catherine. And then, finally, he had given in. A relationship with her seemed so much simpler than one with Catherine; void of the complications that had kept him away from Catherine all those years. What followed was two years of bliss. Until the end, however, he had never viewed their relationship as a long term thing. Beneath the day to day happiness, he had felt that a clock was ticking on their time together and it would eventually come to an end.

The despair he felt over her kidnapping brought the realization that he wanted more…some sense of permanence. And so he had suggested marriage. It had just slipped out over the bee hive and later, upon reflection, he had been scared out of his wits. But he also knew that it was what he wanted….a lifetime of happiness. And he thought that he would have that with Sara; but he had been so very wrong. Her ghosts had resurfaced and driven her away. Admittedly he had known something was wrong, but he had not understood how difficult it was for her. On the other hand, she had not trusted him…..she saw her demons as something he could not help with and consequently had closed him out. She had not trusted him to be there for her, supporting her and caring for her while she battled the past. She had left him to fight her own battle, alone.

Perhaps she had been right to not trust him to always be there for her, because he would always have an eye on Catherine. He had done that since her first met her, it had become such a habit that it was now a part of him. Catherine had become a part of who he was; that was becoming more and more clear to him.

Glancing at his watch and then at a sleeping Catherine, he quietly rose from his chair and headed down to ICU. He found Lily already in Lindsey's room. She looked exhausted as she held her granddaughter's hand, sharing her strength. They stood together, watching the sleeping patient, praying for healing. As they walked out to the waiting room, Gil suggested that he drive Lily home to get some rest. Sighing with relief, she agreed. "Just let me leave a message for Catherine," he said. Hurrying back to her room, he jotted a note and left it for her so that she would know where is was if she woke up. Then he drove Lily home, ran by his place for a shower and fresh clothes, and then headed back to the hospital.

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Thanks for the wonderful reviews! I feel so much love, lol. Hope this chapter lives up to expectations. As always, I look forward to your responses.


	14. The Unspoken

Catherine woke to find Gil's note on the bed table. Reading it, she smiled.

_Catherine,_

_First…God, you look so beautiful while sleeping. I'll share with you later the things I wanted to crawl into bed and do; sleep was not one of them. But you need your rest._

_Next... I checked on Lindsey. She's very beautiful when she sleeps too and I'll shoot any guy who has the thoughts about her that I've been having about her mother._

_Finally…I'm going to take Lily home. She is exhausted. Then I'll run by my place for a shower; I think I'm starting to smell. I promise to be back in time to take you down to see Lindsey._

_Gil_

Catherine was amused by Gil's response to having a beautiful daughter. She hoped Lindsey would accept the fact that Gil was her father. She thought of her own troubled relationship with Sam. Hopefully things would be smoother between Gil and Lindsey.

Just then her door opened and Warrick walked in. "Hey…up for some company?" he asked.

"Hey you…yeah, come on in."

"So how ya doing?"

"I've been better. But it's not me that I'm worried about. Lindsey is still pretty serious."

"Yeah…I tried to go see her but they wouldn't let me in."

"Yeah….family only in ICU," she smiled. "But thanks for trying."

Warrick was wondering how Grissom could get in if only family was allowed. But then, Grissom had a way of making things happen. "So when are they going to let you out of here?"

"Well, I was going home this morning but then I was up all night with Lindsey so the doctor wanted me to stay a little longer. But even after they release me, I'll still be here, with Lindsey. They don't think she'll need a transplant but she's not out of the woods yet."

"Wow, I didn't realize…a transplant?"

"That's what they thought at first. Even had a donor lined up, but thankfully things are looking better for her kidneys."

"A donor…that fast? That's amazing."

"Yeah…really amazing." She wasn't ready to let the truth out about Gil being Lindsey's father so she hoped to change the subject. But yeah, the whole sequence of events was amazing. "So what's happening at work? Any interesting cases?"

"Not really. Swing is helping us out. Ecklie is furious with Griss for taking this time off. Apparently he just told Ecklie that he was taking the time to be here for you, especially since Lindsey got hurt and if Ecklie didn't like it, he knew what he could do with it. I don't know, I think the whole thing with Sara….it has really changed Grissom. We all get the feeling he could walk away from the job tomorrow and never look back."

"He could," said Gil from the doorway.

Warrick turned to see his mentor standing there, taking in the scene. "Oh, hey Griss…didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah…" he said as he walked into the room, his eyes going to Catherine, checking to be sure she was okay. Looking back at Warrick, he continued. "Look, I don't know what is going to happen with Ecklie. I don't care. If there's still a job for me after Catherine and Lindsey are well, then I'll go back. But I'm not losing any more people that I care about because my head is in a case."

Warrick studied his boss carefully. There was much more going on here than he realized….more to his feelings about Catherine. He glanced at Catherine and saw her expression. Yeah…a lot more going on. "Well, I just wanted to stop by and check on you," he said to her. "I've got to get going. I'll stop by again later."

"Thanks Warrick," she smiled at him. He leaned over and pecked her on the cheek before leaving. He and Gil nodded as the younger man walked past him.

Gil stood still, gazing at her. His features softened as the seconds ticked by. Catherine looked back quietly, basking in it. She could see him slowly opening up to her, showing more and more of his feelings for her. No words were spoken but so much was being communicated between them. Finally, she broke the silence. "I got your note," she said in a teasing tone.

He tilted his head, a grin slowly growing on his mouth, his eyes dancing. "Good," he said softly.

"You'd really shoot them?"

He moved closer to her; his eyes never leaving hers. "Absolutely."

"Your thoughts were that bad, eh?"

"Define bad?" His eyes were twinkling.

"Carnal….erotic…."

"Impure, licentious, salacious…." He continued her definition for her.

"So you can have those thoughts about me…but any guy that thinks that about Lindsey…"

"Dies." He said matter of factly. "I think once you threatened to put her in a chastity belt. I'm beginning to understand."

"I'm curious about these thoughts of yours; can't wait to find out about them."

Looking around the room, he smiled subtly. "Well….this isn't exactly the place…." His eyes came back around to her and she saw it in his expression; hunger and craving mixed with love, a potent combination in any woman's view. But for Catherine, seeing it in Gil's face, it was unbelievably compelling, especially when she looked into his eyes and also saw certainty.

Their eyes remained locked together, so many emotions transversing the space between them. Catherine thought about couples that had been married for years and could read each other in a simple look; this moment was like that. They did after all have almost twenty years of friendship and….more. But this was on a new level, like those long married couples no words were needed; the meaning of his look was very clear. She hoped he was feeling similarly.

He stood very still as their eyes remained locked, afraid to move. If he moved, the moment might be lost. He saw so many things in her eyes, love, desire…his future. Loving Sara had opened him to emotions that he had held in check for so long, placing them in little compartments deep inside him. She had slowly unlocked some of them, one by one. But standing here, seeing the look in Catherine's eyes, all of those feelings were spilling out of their pigeonholes, filling his heart and his soul. What he felt was the culmination of years of loving her, wanting her, and denial.

They were very different in just about every way possible; she was an extrovert while he was introverted to the extreme, she embraced life facing it head on while he so often hid from it, his head deep in bugs or books, her intelligence was intuitive with her often acting on a hunch while his was deductive, needing hard facts and evidence. She was his counter balance, keeping him in touch with the real world. Sara had been content to cocoon with him in his bubble. Catherine would challenge him to step outside of his comfort zone; he knew that from experience. Life in the bubble was lonely and for years he had been okay with that. But the genie was out of the bottle and he ached for human contact, especially with one particular human. He realized that he had moved through life incomplete; Catherine completed him, making him whole. All of these thoughts rushed through him as he stood there, gazing at her. He didn't speak; he had no words to express all that he felt. To say "I love you" seemed too small.

Their moment was interrupted by her doctor. He walked into the room oblivious to what was passing between them. Catherine tried to hold Gil's gaze, but his eyes shifted away as he recognized the intrusion. The doctor began his examination of her, checking her head where she'd been hit and then moving on to check her eyes. Gil had glanced away but he couldn't keep his eyes off of her for long. He listened to all the doctor said, but he looked at her.

Finished with his examination, the doctor said he was going to arrange for her release. "And I don't expect to find you in the ICU every time I walk through there. Go home and rest. Then come back and check on her. Gil here can keep an eye on her until you are stronger."

As he walked past Gil, he indicated that Gil should follow him into the hall. Once both men stood outside, the doctor spoke. "You need rest too, but I'm serious…I do not want her spending all of her time here. Lindsey is stable. Things are still very serious for her but the drugs are keeping her under most of the time anyway. Catherine can't do anything for her daughter right now. She needs to get over this concussion and get stronger so she can help Lindsey when the time comes. The child has a long road ahead and it will be difficult for everyone who loves her."

Gil looked at the man, wondering why this conversation was taking place in the hallway. "Look Doc, you haven't said anything to me that you couldn't say to Catherine."

"She seems like the over reactive type to me…" he shrugged.

Gil smiled, "Radioactive maybe, but she actually handles this stuff better than I do. She'll go off momentarily and then collect her thoughts and deal with ….whatever. She's a straight shooter, Doc, and she expects the same thing back."

"Okay, then….I'll keep that in mind." They shook hands and Gil walked back into the room.

"What was that," Catherine snipped.

Gil tilted his head and looked at her intently. "He's scared."

"What?"

"You frighten him; he's intimidated….like most men are when they look at you." His eyes had taken on a look she loved; the one where he was trying to keep a straight face but she could tell he was teasing.

"There's only one man that I care to intimidate…" she teased back.

"Really? Well, if you mean me, it's working." A smile broke across his face as he leaned over to kiss her. "Now, let's go see Lindsey and then get you out of here."

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Love those reviews! Thank you. They really keep me motivated.


	15. Another Life

Warning to GSR lovers: You probably aren't going to like what follows. Sorry:-( What can I say, PureJoy rocks!

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The next few days were a blur for Grissom. He spent his time running between the hospital, to Catherine's, to his place and back. Somewhere in there, he managed to sleep some, usually at Catherine's house. She was doing a lot better and spending more time at the hospital. Lindsey was due to come out of ICU today but still was looking at more days in the hospital. The doctors still wanted to watch her progress closely and also to begin her physical therapy. They wanted her to be able to manage on a walker before releasing her, assuming of course that her other injuries were healing satisfactorily.

This morning, he woke up at Catherine's and decided to run him for a change of clothes. Hank was staying at the sitter's until Gil's schedule settled down, so at least he hadn't had that worry. Pulling into his drive, he checked his mail on the way into the house. Flipping through the stack, his heart stopped as he spotted it, an envelope with her handwriting; Sara had written him a letter.

Letting himself into the house, he tossed the mail on the counter and headed for the shower. He wasn't sure he wanted to read whatever she had to say, so he decided to leave it for now. Finishing his shower and quickly shaving, he headed into the bedroom and opened the closet to pull out some clothes. Hanging there beside his clothes were some of her tops that she had left behind. He paused, cursing himself for not getting rid of them. Well, as soon as he had time….

He pulled out some khakis and a blue shirt and slipped into them. He padded into the kitchen, opened his fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. Returning to the mail, he checked for bills. Her envelope kept staring at him. Finally he sighed and decided to get it over with. Tearing it open, he began to read;

_Dear Gil,_

_I know I was harsh on the phone the other day. Sorry. I couldn't talk then because I was at an appointment. I've given this a lot of thought and my counselor said I should tell you no matter what I decide. I don't see the point of telling you, but she says I'll regret it if I don't._

_I said I would miss you with every beat of my heart and I do, but I just can't be with you. Fear keeps me away, fear of what I will do to you or what I will make you do to me. I can't seem to bury my ghosts, no matter how hard I try. Counseling is helping me cope but the demons are still with me, my faithful companions. Until I lay them to rest, there can be no one else. I know you would have tried to help me and would wait for me to return if I asked. But please don't. Move on, Gil. Don't waste your life waiting on something that will never happen. What I am about to do will sever any lingering ties, I'm sure._

_What I'm trying to avoid saying is that I'm pregnant. It must have happened just after the desert because I'm not very far along. Before you come charging over to San Francisco, I'm not keeping it. I'm not prepared for this; too many demons still haunt me and I can't take responsibility for another person. I can barely handle myself right now. Probably by the time you read this, it will be all over._

_Please don't call or come looking for me. I won't change my mind. I know this makes no sense to you, but I do love you. I just can't handle having your baby. Maybe if things had gone differently…._

_Please forgive me,_

_Sara_

He stood there, staring at the paper. Baby…they had made a baby. And now she was planning to kill it, kill his baby. He knew the science behind it all; scientifically it wasn't really a little person yet. But his Catholic upbringing screamed to him that there as a little soul there. Life began at conception. He had never settled the conflict between science and religion to suit himself. But he'd never really had a reason to give it much thought. Suddenly it was huge for him…. The answer lay in his heart; that was a baby…his baby, their baby together, not a lifeless blob. But by now, it was probably gone.

The empty room around him was crushing him. He thought of calling her, but decided against it. What could he say? Then he thought of Catherine. She would know what he should do. Folding the letter, he headed out of the door for her place.

She was alarmed when he walked through her door. Instantly she knew something was very wrong. He stuttered, trying to tell her but finally just pulled out the letter and handed it to her.

Catherine read it quickly. When she finished, she looked at Gil, stunned. "What's she doing?"

"I don't know…it's not like her. But, she isn't herself, at least not the Sara I've known for almost ten years. What should I do?" His eyes pleaded with her for an answer.

Catherine looked from him to the paper and back to him. "Gil, you have to find her. You have to try to stop her, if it isn't already too late."

"But…she doesn't want it," he said with tears beginning to roll down his face.

Catherine moved to him, pulling him into an embrace. "Do you?"

"Me? Cath, I'm…I wouldn't know what to do with a baby. But I don't want it…dead, either."

"Babies are easy, Gil. You just love them. Are you saying you couldn't love your own baby? I know you could…you've loved Lindsey all along and you didn't even think she was yours. You could do it, Gil. And….I could help you, if you wanted me to."

He looked at her, his eyes wide and questioning. "You would help me raise another woman's child?"

"It's your child too, Gil. I've raised one child by you, why wouldn't I want to raise another?"

He stared into her eyes, looking for confirmation. He saw her love and her concern and he knew she meant it. So many things raced through his mind; the urgency of Sara's situation was at the forefront. But one thought sprang out from all the rest. Instantly he decided and blurted it out. "Marry me, Cath. No matter what happens, please….marry me?"

She looked at him, seeing the panic in his expression. "I will, if that's what you truly want Gil. I loved you too long to even think of saying no. But go….find Sara. And if after you see her you choose her, I'll understand."

His hands went to her face, holding her gently so that he could be certain to look straight into her eyes. "I choose you; I've always wanted you and I always will. Please, wait for me?"

"I'll be here, Gil. Lindsey and I both will be here for you when you get back."

He kissed her like his life depended on it, imprinting the feel of her into his memory. He knew that the memory would sustain him until he returned. "I love you Catherine and I need you."

"I love you, Gil, with everything I am, I love you. Now, go find Sara and stop her."

He nodded slowly, still looking into her eyes. "I'll call you…."

She smiled between her tears as she watched him leave. She knew he had to go; he'd never forgive himself if he didn't. And she had to let him. But it was just about the hardest thing she'd ever done. Sara had held his interest for years and Catherine had been very afraid for him when she was kidnapped. Catherine feared that if they didn't find Sara alive, Gil would crumble. He almost did when Sara left. He had always held his emotions so tightly inside of himself. She was grateful to Sara, however. The woman had persisted until finally he had let himself feel…well, that wasn't quite right; he had always felt things, he just never admitted it. But Sara had brought those feelings out and he had experienced so much in such a short time. And now, he was headed back to Sara. What would it do him?

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Reviews please:-)


	16. San Francisco

Gil headed back to his place to pack a bag. On the way he called Jim Brass. "Hey Jim, you have any connections in San Francisco?"

Jim was confused. Why was Gil asking about San Francisco? Weren't he and Catherine an item now? "Ah…not really but I can call over there for information. What do you need?"

"I have to find Sara."

"Yeah…okay. But when I asked you to let me track her down a few weeks ago you said no…"

"Yeah…well, things have changed."

"Okay, I'll call and get back to you."

"Thanks Jim."

He hung up the phone as he pulled into his driveway. Fumbling with his keys, he finally unlocked his door and entered his house. Searching online, he found a flight that was leaving later that night and booked a reservation. Quickly he threw some clothes in a suitcase and then headed out.

The flight to San Francisco seemed endless. Gil's mind kept spinning, wondering what had happened to his Sara. The woman he loved would never have ended a life, especially before it ever had a chance. It just didn't make any sense to him. He thought she left Vegas to face her past and put her demons to rest. This seemed like she was surrendering to them. Or was it that she really didn't love him? Had the thrill been the chase and then she had grown tired of an aging lover? But she had said yes when he suggested they get married. And that last kiss…she had to love him. So why didn't she want his baby? Not that he had given parenthood a lot of thought himself, but after finding out about Lindsey, he was finding he liked the idea of fatherhood.

After the plane landed, he headed for the car rental desk. As he approached, his cell rang. "Grissom."

"Hey Gil, it's me," said Jim Brass on the other end. "I have two possibilities. Brass quickly gave him Sara's mother's address and a motel where the police believed she was staying.

"Thanks Jim," Gil said before hanging up.

He rented a car and with the aid of the onboard GPS system; he went in search of Sara. The motel seemed like a better place to confront her; hunting her down at her mother's seemed like a bad choice. After a couple of bad directions from the GPS, Gil finally found the motel. It looked old but clean, at least as far as he could tell from the outside. Entering the office, he asked for Sara Sidle's room. The clerk looked on the computer and without ever looking up, divulged the information. "Room 212," he said.

Gil stood outside the room, knocking softly. He swallowed hard, still not sure what he would say to her when he got the chance. After a couple of minutes, he knocked louder. Finally h heard noises from the other side and the door suddenly opened to reveal a tired, haunted looking Sara. Blank eyes stared at him. "Why are you here?" she asked in an accusing tone.

He blinked in disbelief. He didn't recognize this woman that stood before him now. She was a shadow of someone he once knew. "Can I come in?" he asked softly.

She turned and walked away from the door, leaving it open. He followed her into the room, watching her intently. She turned toward him again and repeated her question. "What are you doing here?"

Shocked by her appearance and her tone, he swallowed before speaking. "I got your letter…."

"You mean the one in which I told you not to come here to find me….."

"Sara…I had to. It was…so unlike you."

"What was unlike me? The fact that I was planning to get rid of our baby?" Her eyes looked tormented and her face was drawn.

Grissom looked at her warily. He knew he had to be very careful. "The whole tone of the letter….Sara, what's happening to you?" Her eyes looked so empty to him that it frightened him.

"I asked you once about a violence gene…..how violent do you think an abortion is, from the baby's perspective, I mean."

He was terrified now. Her tone was so cold…like death itself. "I haven't thought about it.. I don't know." He needed to keep her in the conversation so he asked a question. "What do you think?"

It was then that he saw the first emotion in her eyes, horror. "I think it must be awful. They….they made me watch a video at the clinic. It …was…." And then she broke. Collapsing into a heap on the bed, she began to sob. Gil moved to her, collecting her in his arms and holding her close, trying to soothe her. Her whole body shook as the tears flowed. "I….can't…" her thought was broken by more sobs, "believe…that …" more sobs racked her. "I did it." And then she really lost it.

So many emotions coursed through Gil as the meaning of her words registered. She had done it….ended their baby. Disbelief overwhelmed him, coupled with denial. And then anger….and horror, followed by sadness and despair. He hated her…or at least he wanted to. But seeing the effect it was having on her, he couldn't. He held her close to him, his tears mixing with hers as they mourned the loss of the life that could have been a testament to all they had shared; but now it was gone. And in his heart, he knew that all of it was gone.

The woman he held in his arms was a stranger to him now. The trauma of her kidnapping and her trial in the desert had sparked changes deep within her….changes that led her to this. The Sara he had loved could never have aborted their baby. The Sara that had survived the desert did.

Had leaving Vegas been a mistake? Obviously. Had she stayed, he could have supported her and with counseling perhaps she would have found peace. But then what about Catherine…and Lindsey? He would have remained committed to Sara, no matter what his heart told him about them. But the baby would have survived. He was so angry, so much so that he was near violence himself. If only Sara had trusted him….

But he couldn't blame Sara; not his Sara or this broken person that clung to him so tightly now. The demons…they had been there all of her life but it was Natalie….Natalie kidnapping her and leaving her in the desert; Natalie was to blame. That watershed experience had brought all of Sara's demons to the forefront, giving them free rein. Natalie had won; Sara's body had survived but Sara, his Sara, had died out in the desert. He had lost someone he loved deeply.

But Natalie had done what she had done out of revenge, so it was his fault too. No, no…She had set the whole sequence of events in motion with the Miniature Killings. Then Ernie Dell had tried to take the blame for her actions, tried to protect her, and killed himself to keep the secret. She twisted that and went after Sara as a way to get revenge. Natalie was to blame for it all. But she wasn't responsible either; how can you hold someone so twisted and warped responsible? Gil needed some one to blame, someone to direct his anger towards, but the reality was that it was a horrific progression of events that had brought them to this place.

No sense could be made of it all. The grim reality was that his Sara was gone, their baby was gone, and there was a huge void in his heart. He closed his eyes in acceptance, hoping for the day that the pain would go away.

Her sobs spent, Sara lifted her head and looked at him. "You hate me don't you?"

"No, Sara. .I don't hate you. I…I wish things had gone differently….that you had given us a chance to work through all of this together. But I can't hate you; how do you love and hate a person at the same time? Part of me will always be in love with the girl in the pony tail; but…."

"You don't love me…the person I am now, right?"

Looking into her eyes, he saw the despair. "It doesn't matter….I don't hate you, Sara; but it will take me a long time to get over this. I…we…" he was struggling for the right words. Swallowing, he tried again. "It was my baby too, Sara. And you didn't even tell me about it until it was gone. First you left me, with just a note as an explanation and then you wouldn't talk to me. And now, this. We could've worked it out but you chose to just end it. And so, you ended any hope of us. I'm sorry…"

She pulled away from him, her head low. "So am I."

"You said you have a counselor?"

"Yeah…"

"You'll be okay?"

"I'll call her after you leave." She was wearing the blank look again.

"Okay then…." He sighed deeply. "Good bye, Sara."

"Yeah…" she said sadly as he stood and walked out of the room.

He drove back toward the airport. There was a hotel just down the street and he checked in for the night. Once he was in his room, he called for a reservation on the first flight back in the morning. There was no reason to stay in San Francisco. Any hope of happiness was back in Vegas.

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So, I hope I wasn't too mean to Sara. I think I was nicer than some of the GSR fans that seem to need to bash PureJoy. Anyway, please review. How much more story do you want?


	17. Connections

Longing for oblivion, Gil tried for the next best thing, sleep. But it would not come. He lay there in the hotel bed; the scene at Sara's playing through his mind. It had been like talking to a dead person, except when she had cried. He knew that she regretted getting the abortion; enough of his Sara had survived to feel regret.

As he had held her, trying to give her some sense of comfort, he realized that whatever he had felt for her was now dead too. She had killed it when she had the abortion. She had asked about the baby's perspective…what it might have felt as its life ended. He knew the answer; he had seen videos too. Even the most immature brain registers pain. Tears began to seep out of his eyes as his mind produced a video of his baby dying.

Anguish racked his body as he rolled onto his side, curling into the fetal position, sobbing. Their baby was gone, Sara was gone, and all that they had shared…..just painful memories now. A face came into his mind, Catherine's face. He needed her ….needed to feel her arms around him, needed the comfort she would provide. She would know and understand what he was feeling. She understood how precious life was too him, any life. She would understand his grief now.

He thought about calling her and glanced at the clock. No, he decided….too late, she's probably asleep. She needed to get her rest to be strong for Lindsey. He would see her tomorrow anyway. Survive the night, that's all he had to do and then she would hold him.

He shook with so many emotions raging through him; grief, thankfulness for Catherine, awareness that he was a father and that he might have been one again, anger, fear, regret, despair, need, love; they all coursed through him in waves causing the uncontrollable shaking. He tried to focus on Catherine, her image calming him….

The chirping of his cell phone startled him. Picking it up, he checked to see who was calling. Seeing her name, he answered. " Cath?"

Catherine heard the desperation in his voice. "Gil…..I just had this feeling that I should call. You okay?" Of course he wasn't but she needed to get him to talk.

"I….was too late," he said weakly.

The line was silent for a moment as she absorbed the impact of his words. "Oh, Gil….I'm sorry….so sorry."

He could hear the grief in her voice, she felt it too. She felt something of what he was feeling; he wasn't alone. "Cath, I….she….." he couldn't frame what he wanted to say; he wasn't sure he wanted to say anything, but he wanted to hear her voice in response."

"It's okay Gil, you don't have to talk…. I know how this is hurting you. I wish I were there with you…"

Eyes closed, he let the sound of her voice wash over him, bringing comfort; giving him something to focus on besides grief. He had known she would do that; she always did. "I wish …. After I left her, all I could think of was that I need you. But I'll be back tomorrow…I can make it until then."

She could hear that he was collecting himself, gaining balance as he spoke. "I know, but I still wish I were there with you. It's lonely without you."

"Yeah…. How's Lindsey?"

"Happier. They moved her to her own room. A couple of her friends came by for a brief visit. And the doctor said her kidneys are healing quicker than he thought they would. It was all good news here today."

A long silence settled over the phone lines as they each listened, feeling the presence of the other on the end of the line. When he did speak, it was barely louder than a whisper. "That is good news. I needed to hear something good like that…"

Her heart was aching for him, with him. Why had Sara done it? She was still finding hard to believe the younger woman was capable of hurting him that deeply. Sara loved Gil; that much had been obvious for years. And she had to know his vulnerability about children; not that he considered himself good with them or that he had any particular affinity for them, other than he viewed then as the most innocent and therefore most in need of protection. In all the years that Catherine had worked with him, through all the horrible cases, it was the ones involving children that got to him the most. And Sara had destroyed his child….Catherine was baffled.

"Gil….are you sure that she… I mean, did she actually tell you she had an abortion?"

Wariness sounded in his voice. "No, but….the way she talked…"

"What did she say?"

"She said that she couldn't believe she had done it…"

"Oh.."

"She reminded me of something she once said about a violence gene and then asked what I thought an abortion would be like from a baby's perspective. She had watched some videos at the clinic. And then she said she couldn't believe she had done it…"

"Gil….how did you leave her?"

"She was going to call her counselor. I…I couldn't stay any longer; it hurt too much. She's….this was a different Sara."

"Maybe you should talk to her again, just to be sure. And to be sure she's getting help."

"I'm not sure that I can, Cath. It was like talking to a ghost."

"Okay…but, think about it okay?"

"You think I should? If you think I should….okay. Maybe I can see her before I head back."

They talked for awhile longer. Catherine tried to move away from Sara, giving him respite. They talked more about Lindsey, a little about the lab, touched on the weather, and came back around to Lindsey. As they talked, Gil felt better and better, gaining strength from the sound of her voice, centering himself on her. Finally the conversation ended and after a few sweet words of love, they hung up.

He sat on the bed, thinking about what Catherine had said about talking to Sara one more time. He admitted to himself that he wasn't able to think clearly on the subject; maybe Catherine was right.

His phone chirped again. Thinking it was Catherine again; he picked it up and answered. "Honey?"

Slightly taken aback by the greeting, Sara hesitated before answering. "Gil?"

"Sara. I, um…was just thinking about you."

"You were?"

"Ah…yeah. I was wondering if maybe we could meet for breakfast before I leave in the morning…"

"Um, well actually," she drawled, "I spoke with my counselor and she suggested, well, hoped …that you could come to my session with her tomorrow. She, um….yeah, bad idea, right?"

"Session? Why?"

"She thought it might help me…to explain things to you, but with her guidance and support."

"Oh…okay, yeah. What time?"

Well, could you meet me at 9:30?"

"Okay. Where?"

Sara gave him the address and the counselor's name and then said good bye.

A call to the airline enabled him to change his reservation to a later time. Satisfied that he could get to sleep, he crawled between the covers and began to think again about Catherine. A smile formed on his mouth as he drifted to sleep.

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Okay, was this a big misunderstanding or did she really do it? What is it that she needs to explain? I'd love to read your thoughts on it:-)


	18. A Death

Gil Grissom arrived a few minutes early for the appointment and waited outside the counselor's office, He was having second thoughts about seeing Sara again, especially under these circumstances, but he had said he would so here he was. Finally it was time to go in and as he entered, he spotted Sara sitting in the waiting area. He made his way to her and sat in a chair across from her. After a few minutes, her name was called. She rose and nodding to him, they made their way to the office.

Sara introduced Gil to Dr. Middleton, who suggested that he sit in the chair next to Sara's. He complied but was not comfortable. Studying the counselor, he was struck by two things. First, she was severely obese, not something he would have expected from someone in the medical field. Second, she had a hard, unforgiving expression. It was his understanding that therapists usually tried to remain benign.

He waited for one of the two women to speak. Finally, Dr. Middleton began. "Well Gil…" He winced as she said his name, drawing it out artificially and inserting a condescending tone into the pronunciation. "Sara called me last night, very upset after your little visit." Again, condescending. "She is convinced that you hate her and as I listened to her, I believe she might be right. So I wanted us all in the room together to allow her to explain her actions and give you a chance to respond in a better fashion than you did last night."

Gil glared at the woman; he had never witnessed a less professional approach to a problem. What did she think she was doing? And he had responded honestly last night, trying not to add to Sara's despair. Now he was really having second thoughts. And where had Sara come across this quack, anyway? Collecting himself, he spoke. "I responded last night as honestly as I could. I don't hate her." He glared at the woman, thinking if he hated anyone at the end of this session, it would be her.

Nodding to Sara, the woman suggested that she talk. Sara looked from her to Gil and then at the floor. Finally, in a small voice, she began.

"I, um…I couldn't do it anymore, Gil. The job, I mean. It was eating me up. And everyday it got worse until finally that last night, I just had to go."

"I know, Sara. I understand what the job was doing to you. I almost burned out last year, remember? What I don't understand is why you didn't talk to me about it. Maybe I could have helped, maybe not. But I think I deserved the chance. And when you decided to leave, I deserved to hear it from you….not read it in a letter."

"I knew that if I tried to face you, tell you I was leaving, I would cave. That wasn't an option."

"Sara," he looked at her in pain, "do you have any idea of what that did to me?"

"I…it must have hurt." She looked at the floor as she answered.

"It nearly destroyed me, Sara. I worked doubles on top of doubles to keep from having to go home. When I finally did go home and tried to sleep, the nightmares started. The team was worried about me, Jim and Catherine….and even Nick trying to get me to snap out of it. And the team….Greg still barely talks to me; he thinks I did something to make you leave. And Warrick…he's in the middle of his divorce and then you disappear. He says it all seems pointless now. Jim misses you and Catherine told me to go after you; she was that worried about me. You hurt all of us."

"I didn't…mean to. You had nightmares?"

"I did. Have you forgotten me calling you after one? It felt so real and in it you were in danger….I was afraid for you; afraid of what might happen to you. And you blew me off…."

"I….I'm sorry, Gil." Her tone and demeanor was nonchalant. "I just couldn't talk to you then."

Anger was beginning to boil in him. She didn't seem to care that she had hurt him so much. "And then you send me a letter to tell me you are pregnant but you are getting rid of it. You couldn't tell me in person," he spat the words at her, "you had to write another letter."

"I ….it…I found out and I didn't know what to do. Part of me was ….happy…excited. But mostly I was terrified. I'm not capable of taking care of a baby. And what if it…what if it got all my bad genes. What if it turned out like me?"

Grissom looked at her in disbelief. "What? You killed our baby because you couldn't handle raising a child? You were afraid it would inherit some non existent genes? I would have taken care of the baby if you couldn't. You know I would have…" His voice rose as he spoke.

"I couldn't be sure of that….and if you reacted badly…."

"Sara! You really believe that I…" His voice cracked as the full impact of her words hit him. "You couldn't trust me to handle it? Did you ever know …understand anything about me?"

Sara began crying. "I….you aren't exactly easy, Gil. It took years to break through that defense wall of yours. How could I know that you would want the baby?"

"Because you did break through the wall, Sara. I let you in, let you know what was inside. We shared so much; I thought you knew me…Now, I don't think you knew me at all."

She was sobbing now. "You never even wanted to talk about children; not that I wanted any either. But …." Sobs racked her. "I didn't want to bring a baby into the world just so it would feel unwanted, unloved."

Gil stood up and walked behind the chairs. His fists were balled up in frustration and anger. His voice was low and controlled as he spoke. "I would have loved it, Sara. Loved it because it was a part of us, what I thought we had together."

Middleton decided to interject at that point. "Don't you think you are being hard on Sara, Mr. Grissom? She had her reasons…."

He glared at the woman and then looked back at Sara. Being hard on her? What about what she had done to him? She had ripped his heart out, twice. "Perhaps I am, Doctor. But you see, I have no way to know. I'm heartless; just ask her, she knows. They call me a robot back in Vegas…no heart, no feelings, no clue about what others are feeling. It used to be a lie, but now it's the truth. I have no heart, she ripped it out."

"Oh my god," sobbed Sara. "You do hate me…"

He closed his eyes, fighting to maintain control. "I don't hate you, Sara. Hate is an emotion, remember?" He sighed, wanting to inflict pain, something totally alien to him. "I don't know what you wanted to say to me….what you thought you could explain. I get it Sara….You're convinced that you are carrying around some sort of bad gene. I was a refuge, an escape from reality. You looked for the answers to your problems in me. But the answers are in your head Sara. Maybe you finally realized that, maybe that's why you had to leave….I get it. But the way you did it…. And then …" he couldn't control it anymore, a sob escaped. "Then you killed our baby….I don't hate you, but after all of this…." Air escaped his lungs as his shoulders slumped. Then he looked at her intently and said coldly, "You are dead to me now." He turned and walked out the door.

Out in the hallway, he began to shake. His chest felt like it would explode. Briefly, he thought about going back in and trying to make it right, but he wasn't the one that could make things right for her. He had spent the last few years trying and this was the result. Willing himself to stop shaking, he knew that he had to make things right for himself. Looking at his watch, he realized he should head to the airport and go home, to Catherine.

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Okay, I realize that this one might have been a bit un-Gdissomlike. But it sort of wrote itself. Let me know what you think about it. And yes, next chapter takes him back to his true love in life:-)


	19. A Woman inVegas

Grissom's plane landed in Vegas and after claiming his bag, he made his way to his car. Walking up to it, he spotted a piece of paper under the wiper. He threw his bag inside and then pulled the paper out. Opening it, he read:

_There was a woman in Vegas_

_Whose love for Gil was outrageous;_

_So she laid in her bed,_

_Dressed only in red_

_Hoping her feelings were contagious._

Smirking, he pulled his phone out and began to dial.

"Hello," her sleepy voice answered.

"I..um…got your limerick."

"So soon? So, what did you think of it?"

"Red, huh?"

"Yeah," she answered suggestively.

He wondered how such small word could hold so much meaning. "You at home?"

"In bed," she sighed.

"I'm on my way…."

"Use your key…."

"Yeah."

He hoped he wouldn't get a speeding ticket. And he had to concentrate to be sure he stopped for the red lights. The drive from the airport to her house should have taken twenty five to thirty minutes. He was there in fifteen. Using the key, he let himself in and walked through the house to her bedroom. She was there, under her covers. Peeling his clothes off as he crossed the room, he pulled the covers to reveal her. He stopped, his jaw hanging in disbelief. "I thought you said red?"

"My lipstick is red," she pouted.

"But…but…," his hand sweeping the length of her body. "You aren't…"

You see me wearing any color besides red?" she smiled.

"Ah…no."

"It's cold, Gil. Get over here."

He climbed in beside her, immediately pulling her warm, nude body next to his. "I think I like you in red."

"Then I need to wear it more often."

Nothing else was said for the next couple of hours; not that the room was quiet; but moans and sighs hardly qualify as words. And then finally, amid gasps and grunts, Catherine cried out his name in ecstasy.

Gil slumped next to her, his arm over her stomach and his face in the warmth of her neck, nuzzling her. "How did you know?"

"Know?"

"How much I needed that?"

She smiled. "All men need that when they are upset. It clears your minds so that you can think."

His eyebrow shot up and then a gentle smile settled on his face. "I don't need to think. I just want to feel you next to me like this."

Catherine chuckled. "Gil Grissom doesn't want to think…that's a first."

"Grissom has more interesting things to occupy his time." His hand traveled the length of her body, up to her face where he held her jaw in his palm. "Like this," he said as he brought his lips to hers. "And this," as he nibbled her ear. "And then there is this," he said as his tongue trailed down to her neck. He continued, pointing out various points on her body that he found interesting until she was squirming with desire again. His own arousal wasn't lost on her.

They continued making love through the afternoon until both were exhausted. Looking at the clock, Catherine forced herself up. He looked at her, his lip taking on the pouty look. She giggled as she looked at him. "Well, we can't stay in bed forever," she said.

He sat up and watched her as she collected fresh clothes and walked to the bathroom. "Besides," she said, "I want to go see Lindsey." He listened as water ran in the shower and then he padded across the room. He stood in the bathroom, watching her through the glass door, drinking in the sight of her.

The door opened slightly and he heard her ask, "you coming in or not?"

Stepping into the steamy shower, his hands went immediately to her body. As Catherine looked at his face, she was reminded of expression just a short time ago when he had watched her putting on make up; only this time there was a different quality, adoration. She had seen something of the expression before, when he was tending to some of his creatures. She had never seen him look at another human being like that. This was the quiet, gentle Gil; the one that saw beauty in unusual places and revered it. Catherine knew that she was an attractive woman; she worked hard at it. But the way he looked at her now, he saw a different kind of beauty in her; beauty of the soul. His gaze elevated her, made her better than who she was, transforming her into something divine. At least, that's the way he made her feel.

They stood transfixed, their eyes locked as the warm water flowed over them. It was a dream moment; one of those rare slivers in time that is forever imprinted into one's memory and treasured more than the most precious gem. Their souls were connected, an invisible wire stretched between their hearts and their eyes; for that instant they were one.

Her head began to swim, his gaze lifting her out of any sense of time or space into another realm. Tears formed in her eyes as she realized that this was pure joy; an intense and especially ecstatic happiness unbounded by earthly concerns. In that moment they were on a different plane of existence, something like heaven.

He felt it too. Such happiness had always seemed out of reach and yet here with Catherine, he had found it. Everything else in his life fell away as he delighted in the moment. He took a deep breath as he let euphoria engulf him. "God Catherine, do you have any idea what you do to me…for me?"

She slipped into his embrace, her other senses springing to life as their two bodies entwined, taking in his smell, the sound of his heartbeat beneath her ear, and the feel of his body next to hers. "Probably something like what you do to me," she purred.

He took the washcloth and poured her body wash onto it. Then very slowly he began to wash her, tenderly scrubbing her shoulders and working his way over her body. Catherine closed her eyes to further enjoy what she thought had to be the most sensual experience of her life. Their love making in the shower was intense, unbelievably exciting, and didn't involve sex, leaving them hungry for later.

About an hour later, still feeling an intense connection, they headed to the hospital to see their daughter.

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	20. Lindsey

Lindsey was excited to see Catherine and Gil. They chatted awhile and then Lindsey asked if she could have a milk shake. Gil left the room to find a nurse and ask if it was okay medically.

After he walked out of the room, Lindsey looked at her mother. "okay…give. There's something different with the two of you."

"Lindsey," she said in a questioning voice. "Wha…why do you think…oh…you're just imagining things."

"I am not, but …whatever." She rolled her eyes and then looked down, not wanting to look at her mother.

Catherine recognized the tactic but it was working anyway. She was feeling guilty about avoiding the question. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to give in a little. "Okay, you win… things are changing between us…."

"Lindsey's head popped up, a big smile on her face. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean…he's still dealing with some stuff from Sara, but he's been very supportive since you've been in the hospital. Took care of both of us for a couple of days until the doc finally let me out. I don't know how much you remember, but he was in ICU with you a lot."

"Yeah, I think I remember seeing him. But where's he been since I got out?"

"He had to go see Sara. It's complicated and I can't really get into it."

"Oh." Lindsey looked solemn for a moment and then smiled again. "But…do you think…I mean, will he and you, you know….get together?"

"Maybe. How do you feel about it…would you be okay with it?"

"Yeah. You two have been …I don't know, like…married but not really for a long time; ever since I can remember. Dad was jealous of Gil; he thought you were having an affair."

"I know, honey." She really didn't want to go there. "But you'd be okay with us…as a couple, I mean?"

"Well, duh…."

Gil chose that moment to return. "Sorry Linds, but the nurse says hospital diet for a few more days….for your kidneys." He looked disappointed.

Catherine smiled. He was trying to take care of his girl, give her what she wanted. Trying to be a good Dad.

"It's okay. Thanks for trying anyway." She smiled at him and then watched him closely to see how he would act around her mother.

They chatted awhile longer, Lindsey telling them about her friends that had come to visit. "Wendy said that Jennifer's mom said that she gets out of the hospital tomorrow. But she has to come back for therapy."

"Well, it's wonderful that she is well enough to go home. Hopefully you'll be coming home soon too."

"Yeah…"

Gil was absorbed in his two "women" and said little. He loved watching their interaction, they were so much alike. Lindsey caught his expression; one of interest and intrigue. She liked the change she was seeing; especially the way he was looking at Catherine. Lindsey had seen him look at her like that before, when he thought no one was looking. But today he was blatant in his admiration, not caring who saw.

The light outside the window began to fade and as night settled in, Lindsey got sleepy. "We're going to go now and let you sleep, honey." Catherine spoke softly. "We'll see you in the morning."

Lindsey smiled. "You both will come back in the morning?" She was looking at Gil.

"Sure," he smiled.

"Then….have a good night." She winked at her mother as Catherine kissed her good night.

Catherine smirked and was shaking her head as she and Gil left. "What was that?" he asked. "Oh, nothing really. She's hoping you'll sleep with me, I think."

"What? Why would she think like that?" His eyebrow had shot up and his expression was sheer panic.

"Because she watched you all afternoon and she read you like a book."

"But…"

"She's sixteen, Gil. She knows about sex."

"Not first hand, I hope." He didn't want to think about some little snotty nose, pimply teenage boy high on hormones even touching his girl, much less…"

"As far as I know, no. But I don't know everything that goes on with her."

"I'll kill him," Gil said with conviction.

Catherine laughed. "You can get in line behind me, if the time comes."

Lindsey slept for several hours and then woke up, her abdomen hurting. Ringing for the nurse, she asked for a painkiller. When she brought it to Lindsey, Nurse Glenda was in a mood to talk. "So that was your father this afternoon? He's very good looking."

"Actually, he's my Uncle Gil…only he's not really my uncle. My dad died a few years ago."

"Your uncle? But I thought …I mean, your chart said… Maybe I read it wrong." Glenda hurried from the room before she said something she shouldn't."

Lindsey wondered what that was all about. Then she supposed it made sense that Glenda would think Gil was her father; it wasn't like her Dad was still around. Thinking about it, she remembered all the times Gil had been there for her and her Mom when her Dad hadn't been. Sometimes he was even the one that caused the trouble in the first place. Some of Lindsey's earliest memories were of nights spent at Gil's after Daddy had come home angry.

She wondered if Gil was at their house tonight. That made her wonder what it would be like. It all sounded so icky. But then everybody made such a fuss about it and talked like it was so great. But she really didn't want to think of her mother doing it. Lindsey drifted back to sleep trying to get those thoughts out of her mind.

Gil was, in fact, at Catherine's house that night. They talked awhile about how to tell Lindsey that Gil was her father. And then Catherine asked him about his trip to see Sara.

"I didn't recognize her, Cath. It was like she was dead inside. I can't tell if it is residual from her kidnapping or grief over what she did to our baby. Both probably. She was so uncaring though. Well, that's not exactly true; there was remorse about the baby. But I think she'd still do it…." His expression had grown more and more heartrending. "She didn't want my baby, Cath. I thought she loved me… I thought…" tears began to fall as he gave into his own grief.

Catherine hugged him, holding him tightly. "She's all mixed up, Gil. She did love you….I know she did. But everything went wrong. It wasn't that she didn't want your baby, just that she didn't want any baby at all."

"I would have loved it, Cath. I would have taken care of it…and her, if she needed it. But she…" sobs racked him and choked out his last words.

"Of course you would have, Gil. You would have done whatever it took."

He broke the embrace to look at her face. "Cath…when you were pregnant with Lindsey, did you ever think about an abortion?"

Shocked by his question, she took a minute to collect her thoughts for an answer. "No…never. But my situation was different."

"You were married to Eddie, who abused you and you thought it was his baby."

"But…Sara has different issues. She's haunted by an unhappy childhood and is afraid that she'd pass that on."

"Would you say your childhood was happy?"

Catherine thought for a moment. "It had its good times. But the whole thing with Sam hung over it. But Gil, it's not fair to compare Sara's actions with mine, or anyone else's for that matter. Sara made her choice based on her own situation."

"You defending her?"

"No…but I'm not judging her either. I don't know what I'd do if I were in her shoes. I can tell you this; as bad as things were with me and Eddie, I never thought about an abortion. And if I was pregnant with _your_ baby, and knew it at the time, there's no way in hell I would think of it."

He looked at her, seemingly satisfied with her answer. Softly he spoke wistfully, "I wish that you had known….that I had guessed." He looked up and down her body appreciatively. "I remember how you looked pregnant; you glowed."

"I did not," she said chuckling. "I was fat and walked like a duck."

He smiled slightly. "A glowing duck." His hand travelled to her stomach, gingerly covering her there. "It's still hard for me to believe…that you carried _my_ baby." Reverence filled his quiet tone.

She watched as he looked at her tummy, feeling the warmth of his touch. Never in her life had anyone looked at her like that. Her heart swelled as his gaze filled her with so many emotions. "Gil…"

His eyes found hers. A mixture of awe and query filled them; his look was so intense. She rubbed his cheek with her hand, following the line of his jaw. "I love you," she whispered.

His eyes widened as his facial muscles began to relax. She watched his lips as they descended to hers, covering her mouth gently. For a man who could be so socially inept at times, he was an amazing lover. Briefly she wondered where he had learned to make a woman fell what she was feeling, and then she ceased to think as he sent her into uninhibited ecstasy.

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	21. Revelation

He woke the next morning to the feel of her hands on his chest and shoulders, gently caressing him. As he became more aware, he realized that she was straddling him, her thighs on either side of his hips. He opened his eyes to look into her blue ones, "molesting me in my sleep now?" he teased.

She chuckled. "Awake…asleep….always."

He reached up to her face, his thumb caressing her cheek. "As much as I would like to be taken advantage of, we promised Lindsey that we would be there this morning."

Leaning down, she kissed him. "I know. Just charging my batteries for the day."

Huskily he commented. "We'll finish this later, I promise."

They showered and ate a quick breakfast before heading to the hospital. Lindsey seemed happy to see them together. "Have a nice sleepover?" she asked her mother. Gil overheard and blushed. Catherine chuckled. "Lindsey, you are embarrassing Gil."

"And you are avoiding my question," the teenager shot back.

Catherine smirked. "I slept very well last night, thank you. How about you?"

"Okay, I guess. I woke up in pain but the nurse gave me something. It was kind of weird though because she thought Gil was my father. I tried to explain, but she was insistent. Then she just left. You'd think she'd believe me about who my father is…."

"Well, I guess that she's been seeing him around so much…she just assumed." This was making Catherine nervous. She felt Gil's hand on her shoulder, supporting her. Turning she looked into his eyes and saw that he wanted to tell Lindsey the truth. Thinking for a moment, she sighed and nodded in agreement.

With Gil still standing next to her, Catherine turned back to her daughter. "Honey, I, um…was going to wait until you got home to tell you this, but…now seems like the time."

"Tell me what Mom? I mean, I'm going to be okay, aren't I?"

"Oh, yeah…yes, you are, honey. The doctor talked to me downstairs about releasing you in a couple of days. This…isn't about that." Catherine's nervousness was palpable.

"Then what? You're scaring me…"

"Well, um…in trying to make sure you were okay, we …ah, found out something we didn't know." Catherine paused to gather her courage. Looking into her daughter's eyes, she knew she had to continue because Lindsey was frightened. Glancing at Gil, she swallowed and continued. "Honey….back before you were born, well…you know, Eddie and I were already having problems. One night, he…ah…well, he'd been pretty rough and I had to leave, get away until he sobered up. So I went to Gil, like I did so often in those days. He let me stay at his place, like so many other times. But,um…that night it was different. I was feeling so …hurt, unlovable. And Gil…I could tell how much he was hurting for me. It was then that I realized he loved me. And I needed so much to feel love; so I …well, I kind of…well, we slept together."

Lindsey looked from her mother to Gil and then back at her mother. "You slept together while you were still married to Dad. You always made such a big deal out of him cheating on you! But you cheated too."

Catherine couldn't decide if she was seeing disgust or anger in her daughter's face. Probably both. "Yeah, that one night…I just needed to be held and to feel love so much."

"She was in bad shape Lindsey," interjected Gil. "Eddie had done a number on her. I only intended to hold her, take care of her….but things kind of got out of hand. I couldn't stand that she was hurting so much and I wanted her to know how much I loved her. She was married and it was wrong of me to come between that, but …."

"But you slept with her," Lindsey interrupted.

"Honey," continued Catherine. "The thing is, when they thought you might need a kidney transplant, Gil volunteered one of his. They tested to see if he was compatible and it turns out…he's your father, Lindsey."

Lindsey looked in horror at her mother. "What? No. Eddie Willows is my Dad….was my Dad. He's….he's my Uncle Gil….honorary uncle. He can't be my father."

Catherine reached to hug Lindsey but she shook her mother off. Glaring at Gil, she snapped. "So, you think you can be my father now? After all this time? Where were you all these years? "

"Lindsey, that's not fair," exclaimed Catherine. "You know Gil has been there for us, even though he had given up on me as anything but a friend."

"Yeah, he was there until …until Sara," she spat.

"Lindsey," began Gil. "I had no idea about you. If I had, things would have been so different. There's no way I would have let your Mom go back to Eddie. But I thought you were his daughter and so, he had rights that I didn't. And …." Gil swallowed hard as he realized something, "as for Sara; I held her at arms length until I knew you and your Mother were okay. As long as I thought Catherine might need me, I remained available. But then she…seemed to want to move on, so I let her but that meant I needed to look elsewhere."

"You think that makes me feel any better. I've grown up with Eddie Willows as my Dad, a real loser but he loved me and I loved him. And suddenly, you're telling me that no, he wasn't my father, Supergeek is." Tears were falling now as her emotions finally spilled out.

Gil stood like a statue, visibly upset. Catherine was stunned by Lindsey's vehemence. She had known that her daughter would be upset, but this was a much stronger reaction that she had thought. "Honey, I'm sorry. I know this is a lot, especially right now. But it is on your chart that Gil is your father. The nurse came very close to telling you last night. I thought it was better if you heard it from us."

Lindsey waved her mother off. "Just…leave me alone."

Sighing, Catherine turned to leave the room. Gil looked from Lindsey to Catherine, a question on his face. "Let's give her some space," said Catherine. Gil frowned, not sure that he wanted to leave Lindsey by herself. But he trusted Catherine's instincts better than his own, so he followed her out of the room, glancing back at his daughter as they walked out.

In the hall, Gil stopped Catherine. "Are you sure we should leave her like that?"

"Trust me, she needs her space, a trait I think you might recognize."

"So…now what?"

"Cafeteria." They headed to the elevator and then down to the hospital cafeteria. As they walked through the hall downstairs, Gil spotted a gift shop. "Hey, let's go in here," he said.

A few minutes later, one of the hospital volunteers made a delivery to Lindsey's room. The teen looked at the plush teddy bear with a heart shape balloon tied to it. Attached to its paws was a card. Carefully she removed it and opened it to read.

_Dear Lindsey,_

_There were so many things I wanted to say to you, feelings for which I could find no voice. Our news has changed your life and for my desire to tell you now, I apologize. Your mother wanted to wait until you were settled at home._

_From the first time I held you on the day you were born, you have held a special place in my heart; a place uniquely yours. Had I known then what I know today you would have captured my heart entirely, because as I gazed into your tiny blue eyes, I dreamt you were mine. Imagine my joy at hearing that my dream is reality._

_Also, please allow me to tell you that you were conceived in love. It must seem wrong to you that I allowed myself to love your mother so completely while she was married but for me, on that night, it was the most perfect love this side of heaven. If you must blame someone for betraying Eddie, then blame me. Your mother came to me wounded and vulnerable and I allowed what followed. _

_Right now it seems too much to ask that you think of me as your father. Even if you are never able to think of me in that way, know that you are and always have been the daughter of my heart._

_Love, __Gil_

Tears welled up in Lindsey's eyes as she tried to reconcile what she was feeling with what she thought she should feel.

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	22. Trying to Regroup

An hour later Catherine and Gil headed back to Lindsey's room. As they entered Gil noticed the teddy bear in the bed next to Lindsey. The balloon was resting on the ceiling above the bed. The note rested in her lap. Her eyes were red from crying and there was a pile of tissues on her bed table. She seemed calm but she would not look at either of them.

Catherine quietly lifted the trash can toward the table, swiping the tissues into it. Lindsey watched her mother's actions with an air of detachment. Catherine smiled at her daughter before returning the trash can to its spot on the floor.

Gil watched all of this quietly from the corner. He knew from talking with Catherine in the cafeteria that she was upset about Lindsey's reaction, but it wasn't showing now. Lindsey had obviously spent the time crying and yet she was a picture of composure. The daughter had learned from years of watching her mother regroup after Eddie's abuse, lessons Lindsey had learned since the crib. Inside Gil cringed as he thought about what his daughter had witnessed and learned to hide.

Even though his head was tilted, pointing to the floor, he was watching his girls closely. He saw Lindsey's surreptitious glances in his direction. She wore a benign expression, forcing her face to reveal nothing of her inner turmoil. But she was regarding him in a calculating manner, much as he studied suspects in a case. He hoped he was measuring up to whatever standard she had set.

The three of them remained quiet, the tv on the wall droning in the background. Catherine saw Lindsey's glances at Gil also. She wanted to say something but didn't want to spark anymore fireworks, so she remained quiet. Lindsey needed time to absorb her new information. Meantime, the two people Catherine loved most were hurting and she didn't know how to help either one of them.

Finally Catherine asked, "You need anything?"

"No Mom. I'm okay."

Catherine nodded and opened her mouth to speak again when the door flew open and Lindsey's friend, Christy walked in. "Hey Linds," she smiled.

The two girls began chattering with Christy catching Lindsey up on all the school gossip. Catherine and Gil exchanged glances and then Catherine interrupted the girls. "Lindsey, we're going to head out and let you and Christy visit. We'll see you later, oaky?"

"Sure Mom." Catherine leaned over to kiss her daughter on the forehead. Lindsey rolled her eyes but tolerated the show of affection. Gil stood at the end of her bed, unsure about what he should do. Lindsey looked at him briefly, noting his hesitation. His hand covered her blanket clad toes and he squeezed affectionately. She gave him a little smile; he was at the least her Uncle Gil, after all. His return smile was shy, his eyes revealing deeper feelings.

As they drove back to Catherine's, they talked about their daughter. Gil was worried that he had forced the issue and now Lindsey would never accept him. "I disagree," responded Catherine. "I think it was a good sign that she had the teddy bear close; I'd be worried if she had thrown it across the room."

"Now that would have reminded me of someone else I know," he teased.

Catherine smiled at his teasing and then suddenly assumed a hurt look. "My feelings are hurt," she pouted.

"What…why?" His look of shock and concern amused her.

"You never bought me a teddy…"

Gil grinned. "No, you're right, I haven't. Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?"

She considered his question briefly and then answered in suggestive tones. "True, I prefer my teddy bears to be warm and breathing," she said as her hand moved to his thigh. "Makes them much more fun to cuddle with."

"So…I'm a teddy bear now?"

"When you're not being a grumpy bear. And while we're on the subject, I really liked your grizzly bear look that you were wearing a couple of years ago. You know, the trimmed beard and all."

Gil grinned. "Really? You liked my beard? Sara hated it."

"Oh my….you looked so damned sexy with that thing, especially when you kept it trimmed. The night of the formal dinner for Ecklie…I wanted to jump you so bad, until you left with me the speech that is."

"You did?" He asked in an almost squeaky tone. "I mean, I thought I felt something going on when you were tying my tie but I had no idea…"

"Well," she paused, "that's no surprise. I mean, you generally are clueless about these things."

He turned into her driveway. "I'd like to follow up on our conversation, but I really need to go check my mail and on Hank. How about I come back later with dinner?"

"Yeah….bring Hank back; he can stay here. And Gil, don't forget your jammies," she said suggestively.

His eyes lit as a smile broke across his face. "I don't own any."

"Oh damn, then we'll just have to improvise," she chuckled as she exited his truck.

"Cath…" he called to her just as she was about to close the door.

"Yeah?" She turned back to look at him.

"Thanks."

"For what?" She asked, confused.

"For… this," he said waving his hand. "Us…being there for me, with me. Making me happy again."

She looked at him tenderly, love filling her eyes. "You make me happy too, Gil. Now, go get Hank and come back and we'll get really happy," she flirted as she closed the door.

He watched as she let herself into her house and then he pulled out of the drive and headed for his place.

Before reaching his townhouse, he stopped in one of the shops along the way. He wanted to correct his error in buying a teddy bear for Lindsey without ever getting one for Cath. He found something that he thought would be perfect and had the clerk gift wrap it. Then he headed for his place and Hank.

Checking his mail and messages, he made notes of the things he needed to deal with and tossed the rest. Gathering up some things for Hank, he loaded them and the dog in his truck and headed back to her place.

Her car was gone when he got back. He let himself in and fixed Hank's water bowl. As the boxer lapped up the cool refreshment, Gil spotted a note on the counter. Opening it, he read:

_Gil,_

_Lindsey called and wants to talk to me, just me. I think maybe she's coming around a little. Anyway, that's where I am. You and Hank get comfortable and I'll be back in awhile…._

_Cath._

Feeling very pleased, he put the note down and went back to his car to retrieve the gift. Setting it on the counter, he found Hank's leash. "Want to go for a walk, fella?" Man and beast headed out the door for a walk through Catherine's neighborhood, while waiting for her to return.

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Once again I am wondering...the stats say people are reading, but reviews are slim. So, I don't know if folks are disappointed and not reviewing or what. Anyway, I'll try to post the next chapter a little quicker. Work is piling up right now, so I make no promises except that I will try.


	23. The Talk

"Hey Lindsey," Catherine said as she entered her daughter's hospital room. "You okay?"

Lindsey rolled her eyes. "Sure Mom."

Catherine walked closer to the teen and kissed her forehead. Then she sat in a chair next to the bed. "Okay, so you wanted to talk?"

"Yeah…but I'm not sure what I want to say…I mean, it's all kind of confusing."

"Well, I think I can understand that. I mean, I didn't find out about Sam until just a few years ago and was just beginning to get my feelings sorted out over it when he was killed. This is a lot for you to take in and neither Gil nor I expect you to pretend to feel things you don't feel. And I'll answer your questions as best I can."

"It's just….you were so angry with Dad about him cheating on you….and all along, you had cheated on him with Gil."

"It was a little different….I mean, I didn't go over to Gil's intending to cheat. I was looking for a safe place. And it only happened that once. Your Dad was actually seeing other women…long term. But….I understand what you are saying. I can see how it seems the same to you."

"It does. I know it was only that once with you but it was still cheating."

"What do you want me to say, Lindsey? That it was wrong? Yeah, I suppose it was, except that night gave me you and you are the best thing in my life. So I can't look at it as wrong…a mistake. It was a gift."

"I thought Gil was the best thing in your life…"

"Well, he's pretty damn good….but honey, you mean everything to me. I just hope that you can get where you are okay with me and Gil. I hope you can be happy for me."

"I was…but that was before…now I don't know what I'm supposed to feel."

You're not supposed to feel anything in particular, Lindsey. Whatever you are feeling right now…that's the supposed to." Catherine paused and then an idea came to her. "Why don't you tell me what you are feeling…not what you think you should feel?"

"I …. Gil's always been around, like more than an uncle even. He's always felt safe to me. There were times when Dad didn't…feel safe, I mean. I knew he cared about you…us. And I always hoped that ….that you two would do something about it. I've seen the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching. And…then a couple of years ago it was like he didn't care anymore; he wasn't around much and….well, it was Sara, of course. And then suddenly he's back. And now you're telling me he's my real father…" Lindsey stopped talking a minute. She was picking at the blanket as she gathered her thoughts. "I was…am glad that you two reconnected. But I just wasn't prepared for the rest."

"That's understandable. But you still haven't said how you feel about Gil…"

Lindsey looked around the room, thinking. Finally her eyes made it back to her mother and then dropped to her bed again. "Guilty, I guess."

"What? Baby, you haven't done anything to feel guilty about."

"But…when you told me….I was …I dunno, happy?"

"Really? Why would you feel guilty about that, though?"

"Because it feels like I'm forgetting Dad," she confessed.

"You are not forgetting him. He'll always be a part of you. If there was one thing Eddie got right, it was loving you with his whole heart. He didn't always know how to act with it…but there was never any doubt that he loved you. And you loved him…will always, I'm sure. Accepting Gil doesn't mean you are turning your back on Eddie."

"Yeah…maybe. But it still feels weird. Look, Gil wrote me a note when he sent the teddy bear. It was…For Gil, it was pretty emotional. He…um, he told me how he's always felt a special connection. He said he always thought of me as the daughter of his heart."

Catherine absorbed what her daughter was telling her. Her mind went back to Lindsey's birth. Gil had seen Lindsey before Eddie had. Eddie had been unreachable; Gil had been there for them and had held Lindsey when she was just a few minutes old. She remembered the strange look on his face, it had always confused her. Now she understood. Then he had watched for all these years, holding his emotions in, wishing for something he thought he couldn't have.

No wonder he had turned to Sara. She had so obviously wanted him, offered him an opportunity for happiness. And she had been good for him…until she left him devastated. Things had been happening so fast. As Catherine thought about it, she was amazed that he was handling things as well as he was. Gil never moved too quickly, especially when it was emotional. But these last few months he had gone through Sara's kidnapping, the revelation of their intensely private relationship, her recovery, and her leaving followed by weeks of despair. When he had turned to Catherine for comfort, his feelings for her had resurfaced and just as he was adjusting to that, he had discovered that he was Lindsey's father, followed by Sara's pregnancy and abortion. As Catherine pondered all of this, she wondered if they weren't moving too fast. Maybe he needed time to catch up with his emotions.

Lindsey was watching her mother as she was thinking all of these things. She could see how worried Catherine was. "Mom…is there something else….something you are not telling me"

"No honey, not really. Just that Gil had been through so much lately. It must be a bit overwhelming for him. But I do know he loves you so much; he always has…but now ….even more."

"Mom…he's loved me because he loved you. He has ever since I was old enough to notice. That's why I didn't like it that he and Sara were together. You two belong together."

Catherine smiled at her daughter. "Yeah?" she smiled. "I think we are finally figuring that out."

"Look, I don't want to get between you. But I need time to deal with this, okay?"

"Yeah, baby. Actually, I think we all need to take a little time to catch our breath. So much has happened so fast…."

"Would you give this to Gil for me though?" She asked as she handed a folded piece of paper to her mother.

"Sure honey….."

That sat in quiet comfort for a few minutes. Lindsey was getting sleepy again, Catherine could see. "So, I'm going to go and let you rest for awhile. Is it okay if Gil comes back with me later?"

"Yeah," smiled Lindsey. "But I'm not ready to deal with him as my father yet, okay?"

"Okay." Catherine kissed Lindsey on her cheek. "You get some rest and we'll see you later."

Catherine put Lindsey's note in her pocket and headed for her car. Hopefully Gil would be back at the house by now. She wanted to tell him about the conversation with Lindsey and give him the note. And she needed to hold him; feel his arms around her. As she climbed into her car to leave, she could almost feel him with her.

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Okay, the GSR shippers have been at me again in reviews of a story I wrote awhile back. I'm really tempted to do something mean with Sara. But I'm trying to focus on helping Gil make a family in this story. How am I doing? Reviews, as always, are appreciated. The little button is still there!


	24. Gifts

When Catherine got back to the house, it was empty. Looking around she saw Hank's stuff and the wrapped gift on her counter. She realized that Gil must be out walking the dog. Her curiosity got the best of her though and she unwrapped the present without waiting for his return. As the paper fell away and she opened the box, her eyes lit. "Oh my…" she exclaimed.

Reaching in, she carefully pulled out a small stuffed teddy bear whose color perfectly matched the silk and lace teddy still in the box. She ran her hand over the soft, dark blue fabric and gingerly fingered the lace. "This set him back," she mumbled. She gathered up the garment and hustled to her bedroom. Quickly she undressed and slipped into the teddy and then redressed herself. Hurrying back downstairs, she propped the teddy bear next to the box. Then she headed for the fridge to get a bottle of water.

She heard the door open and Hank came bounding into the kitchen looking for his water bowl. Gil walked into the room just as Hank began slurping up the water. He stopped when he saw the open box. "You, ah…found my gift, I see," he said with raised eyebrows.

"Mmmm, yes I did. And I just _love_ the little teddy bear," she cooed.

Gil looked over the top of the box and saw that it was empty. "Well, you did have a point…about me getting one for Lindsey and not for you." He looked up from the box into her twinkling blue eyes. "There, ah…seems to be something missing from the box." His eyes had their own sparkle.

"Really? Wonder where it went?" she said coquettishly.

His eyes travelled over her body, "my x-ray vision tells me that it might be under your outfit."

"X-ray vision?" she chuckled. "Well Superman, there's only one way to find out how good your vision is."

"Oh," he said speculatively. "And what would that be?"

Tilting her head and answering flirtatiously she answered. "Unwrap the package, of course."

He stood there, working his mouth thoughtfully as he contemplated her suggestion. A small smirk formed on his face. "Well, I suppose that's fair, since you unwrapped the package I brought you."

"Oh, but I haven't finished unwrapping all of your packages yet." she said suggestively.

"I'm not aware of any other packages…" he teased.

It was her turn to peruse his body. He felt heat rising in his face as her gaze worked its way over him, pausing at particular points of interest. "I think I'm looking at a living Cracker Jack box; can't wait to find the prize inside."

He stepped over to her and gathered her in his arms. He lowered his head and she thought he was going to kiss her, but his lips went to her ear instead. "Whatever toys you find, you get to keep, you know."

Pulling her face up to look at him, she smiled. "Oh, I intend to." And then she kissed him. As her lips touched his and began to explore, his entire universe narrowed down to that one contact point; his entire existence centered on her. Their kiss deepened and intensified, so many feelings washing through him; love, lust, need, comfort, belonging were just a few. As the kiss ended he pulled away slightly, resting his forehead on hers. He inhaled deeply, taking in her scent and soaking up the heat from her body. He felt so alive, all of his senses joining in the celebration. He felt a quiver run through him as he relished the intimacy of the moment. "God Cath…." he breathed deeply as blood rushed through his body and into his face.

"Gil?" she whispered.

His fingers played in her hair and brushed her scalp. "All of my life I've hidden my feelings, only letting people in a little at a time; allowing me to keep my own emotions under control. But with you, I feel so many things; too much to control. And so intense; I've never felt anything so intensely before. "

"Surely with Sara…"

"No. Strong feelings, yes. But not like this. Not this constant need I feel; the need to see you, touch you, feel you next to me. For so long I kept my feelings for you under such tight control and now …now I have no control over them." He closed his eyes as another wave of emotion flowed over him.

Catherine saw his physical response to what he was saying. He had opened himself fully to her, completely letting his guard down; surrendering himself to a tidal wave of emotions. "Gil, I don't know what to say…I always suspected that under that controlled façade you were capable of deep passions."

His eyes met hers. "Promise me…"

"What Gil? Promise you what?"

"You won't leave me. At least without giving me a chance to…" he swallowed hard, desperation showing in his face. "To make up for whatever I've done wrong…"

Her hand stroked his cheek as she responded. "Leave you? After waiting this many years, do you really think I could leave you so easily?"

Quietly he whispered, "Sara did."

As Catherine looked at him, all she could think of was how much he looked like a lost little boy. "Well, I'm not Sara and I'm not going anywhere. Besides, we have a forever connection in Lindsey. Even if everything else falls away, we'll have that."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

Your willingness to share Lindsey with me after all of this time."

"It's up to Lindsey about how much you share with her. But she is your daughter too, Gil. I couldn't deny you access, no matter what the state of our own relationship."

"I can't help but wonder…." he paused, his hand entwining itself into hers, "what our lives would be like now if I had the courage then to…"

"To what Gil? Break up a marriage? You would have hated yourself….and eventually me for ignoring your sense of integrity. You wouldn't have been able to live with yourself and you know it."

"I seemed to lose my integrity with Sara," he said. "I got lost in her."

Catherine led him into the living room and they sat on her couch. She took his hand again and looked into his eyes. "Tell me Gil….tell me what it is you are trying to explain."

She saw the sadness in his eyes as he gazed at her. "I was so lonely," he whispered. "And she needed me…."

Her eyes narrowed a little and her head tilted as she tried to understand what he was saying. As if reading her mind, he continued. "You remember when she got suspended after yelling at you and then being insubordinate with Ecklie?"

Catherine nodded, "yeah…"

"I went to her apartment and talked to her. I asked her why she was so angry. She rattled off some stuff, including something about relationships with emotionally unavailable men. I still didn't understand where she was going with it and pressed for more. Finally, she began talking about her childhood. It was awful, Cath." Grief shone in his eyes.

"She began to cry….and I….I reached over and took her hand. And I realized that….that she needed me. That's why I challenged Ecklie over it all. She needed someone to stand up for her in a way no one ever had."

"So you were involved with her back then?" Catherine asked cautiously. She hadn't realized how long they were together.

"No. I still kept her at arms length, romantically anyway. And then after Nick was kidnapped, I felt ….so alone and …adrift. I needed something, someone to anchor me. And Sara still needed that too. I'd always been attracted to her; it wasn't hard to imagine a relationship. And then ….there was one. But it was based on the wrong things…"

"What do you mean, Gil?"

"There was a physical attraction…and a mutual need. And we did love each other in our own dysfunctional ways. But I knew she would eventually outgrow her need of me or just get tired of being with someone so much older. But it felt good to be needed….necessary to someone else. And she brought joy into my life."

"Nothing wrong with that," commented Catherine. "You deserve some joy."

"But I knew it was temporary. Sometimes I felt more like a father or older brother than a lover. What I felt for Sara was more like compassion than passion. I loved her but not in the way a woman should be loved. At some point one of us would have come to resent the other."

"When I went on the sabbatical, we were already involved at that time; but I was still holding back. While I was away, I realized how much she filled my existence, gave meaning to it. So I came back with a deeper sense of commitment to her. And our relationship grew. She loved me so much…or I thought she did. And it felt so good to be loved like that. …."

"But that night in the layout room, you said that Natalie wanted to take away the only person you ever loved…."

"She didn't know about my feelings for you. And honestly, I had spent so many years trying to bury them…. And Sara was my focus at that time. And I was feeling such panic…"

"So you did love Sara?"

"We loved each other; but it wasn't healthy…. How could I give her my whole heart when it belonged to you?" He asked as his blue eyes drilled into hers. "It always has…"

"But you were so devastated when she left…"

"Was I? It hurt and the way she left stunned me. And I was alone again… and that hurt. It seems that all of my life I have been alone, except for the time with Sara. And being with her made me realize how lonely my life had been."

He had that far away look in his eyes and then they shifted, focusing back on the here and now. So much emotion spilled from them as he searched her face for understanding. Their eyes locked and she saw his facial muscles relax as he found what he was looking for in her gaze. "Sara said in her note that I was her home; Catherine, you are mine…you and Lindsey."

"Lindsey…note, oh…I almost forgot. She gave me a note to give to you." Catherine found the note in her pocket and handed it to him.

He stared at it in his hand for a moment and then slowly unfolded the paper. Catherine watched a tenderness come over his features as he read:

_Gil,_

_I call you that because it seems silly to refer to you as 'uncle'. I think I understand how you and Mom came together that night but this is all still so new to me. _

_You said you dreamed that I might be your daughter and now it is reality. There were countless times when I was little that I wished that you were my father. Eddie Willows did the best that he knew how and I will always love him for that, but you were always so gentle and understanding. _

_I know that I can depend on your understanding now. Please give me time to make sense of this and adjust. It hurt so much when you seemed to abandon us for Sara and now all I can think about is how things might have been if only…._

_Give me time to understand what I am feeling; to grieve the loss of Eddie as my father and to comprehend you there instead. I am truly happy that you and Mom have found each other and seem so happy but I need time and space. I'll come to you when I am ready to talk about it. In the meantime, can we just be like we've always been?_

_Love,_

_Lindsey_

_PS: Thank you for the bear. I named him Atticus after the father in __To Kill a Mockingbird__. I've always thought he was very wise and loving._

Catherine saw the tears that formed in his eyes as he read and watched as they trickled down his face as he finished the note. He looked up at her, unable to speak. Quietly he handed her the note. She embraced him as she finished the note. No words were needed between the two parents as they came together over their child.

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This one got a little long. But I think it said what I wanted it to say. Looking forward to your comments on it:-)


	25. Connected

A week later, Lindsey came home from the hospital. She was excited to be back in her own room with her things and her telephone. Catherine wanted to make a special dinner for her that night and Gil volunteered to help. For Catherine, the evening was glorious; her daughter was home and Gil was there too. It had both amused her and tugged at her heart as she and Gil worked in the kitchen, quickly falling into sync performing the various tasks for the meal. She knew he felt it too because every so often he would glance sideways at her and smile.

The meal was a noisy one as Catherine and Lindsey babbled about Lindsey's friends, what she had missed in school, and plans for her return. Gil watched quietly, having nothing to contribute but enjoying the festivity. He and Lindsey had a tacit understanding between them and he was content with things as they were for the time being. He could feel her opening up to him more as each day passed and he looked forward to the day when she would come to him with acceptance.

After dinner Lindsey went back to her room and Catherine began cleaning the kitchen. Gil joined her and soon they were standing at the sink, washing dishes. Gil washed and Catherine dried. She had music playing; Gil thought he recognized it as Tony Bennett. As she often did, Catherine began to sway with the music, her hips moving in perfect rhythm. As she swayed toward him, her hip met his and the slight bump sent thrills through his body. "Come on, Gil…get with it," she teased.

Much to her surprise, and his too actually, he began to move with her. Lindsey had come to ask her mother if one of her friends could come over the next day but stopped in the doorway. She smiled as she watched two sets of hips moving in harmony with the music and each other as the owners worked together as one. Her parents were in their own special place, she realized. Quietly she left, giving them this uninterrupted time. Back in her room she contemplated what she had witnessed. She didn't remember ever seeing her Mom and Eddie in such a simple, subtle romantic situation. Mom finally got it right, she thought to herself.

Gil had to work that night and as he got ready to leave, he wrapped Catherine in a warm embrace. "I really enjoyed tonight."

"Mmmm, me too. I like you in my kitchen," she said amorously. "You'll be back for breakfast?"

"Honey, until things are more…permanent, I think I should sleep at my place. I don't want to do anything to upset Lindsey."

"Gil…." Catherine almost whined. "I think she knows that we 'do it'. I don't think it will upset her if you stay here."

"Tell you what, I'll come for breakfast. But then I'll get Hank and go back to my place to sleep."

Catherine looked very disappointed. "If you insist. I'll see you in the morning then."

"Yes you will," he smiled. She watched as his blue orbs focused on her face and then her lips. Then his lips were on hers and she knew without a doubt that he would indeed be back. There was such longing in his kiss.

"I'll miss you," she whispered.

"It's not like I'm leaving or anything," he whispered back.

"But I like having you in my bed."

"Yeah, you have a very nice bed," he teased. He kissed her again and then moaned. "I have to go or I won't be able to leave. I'll see you in the morning." He slid out of the front door as she stood and watched him go. It would be a long night.

As the days passed, they fell into a routine of Gil having breakfast with his girls and then driving Lindsey to school. He would go back to his place to sleep. His townhouse was no longer home to him, simply sleeping quarters. They had tried having Hank at the townhouse but with Gil spending so much time at Catherine's the dog was feeling abandoned and got cranky. So Hank moved in with Catherine and Lindsey, giving Gil even less of a reason to spend time at his place.

To the amazement of everyone at the lab, he began keeping regular hours, rarely clocking any overtime. Ecklie was pleased to see that he was spending more time in the building and keeping up with his administrative duties. For Gil it was a simple equation. The less time he spent in the field, the less likely it was that he would get caught up in an investigation that required overtime. And that meant he had more time to spend with his family. He liked the thought of that, his family. He smiled inwardly every time the thought crossed his mind. He, Gil Grissom, supernerd, the quirky enigma, the bugman…. was a regular guy with a family. And he liked it.

The shift finally came, however, that forced him into a complicated investigation and he pulled a double. He called Catherine, exhausted and told her that he had to get some sleep. He would call her when he woke up. She was understanding but he could hear the disappointment in her voice.

He let himself in his house, tossed his keys and other items on the counter, and checked his mail. Finding nothing requiring immediate attention, he headed for bed. After he brushed his teeth he closed the curtains in the bedroom. He was so tired he didn't even bother with changing; he just stripped down to his shorts and fell into bed. Within minutes he was sound asleep.

Hours later he awoke, vaguely aware of being watched. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he smiled. "How long have you been sitting there watching me?"

"Only a few minutes," Catherine answered.

"Kind of boring, isn't it?"

"No, I was enjoying myself."

He reached over to the bedside table and turned on the lamp. Sitting up, he leaned his back against the headboard and gazed at her at the opposite end of the bed. Once his eyes adjusted to the light, a small grin began to form on his face. "You're wearing _it _aren't you?"

"_It_," she answered coquettishly. "What _it _are you referring to?"

His eyes raked over her body as a genuine Grissom smile bloomed on his face. "You know what it." Suddenly he moved across the bed, scooping her into his hold, his arm encircling her waist. He pulled her down on the bed and leaned over her, his blue eyes seeming to cut through her clothes, warming her to her core. "The blue it," he said just before he kissed her.

"Augh….yuck Gil," she giggled.

"What?" he said in surprise. Then his face flushed as her realized his mistake. "Be right back," he promised as he slid off the bed and headed for the bathroom. "Sorry about the morning breath," he said over his shoulder. Catherine watched him pad across the floor, his bowlegs fully exposed, along with most of the rest of him. Occasionally he did remove his shirt while he was out in the yard, but his legs hadn't seen the light of day in years. Gotta do something about that, she thought to herself as he came back to her.

He pounced on her, pushing her back down and this time his kiss lasted awhile, a long while. His lips revealed his need to her as both their demands and their heat built. His tongue demanded entry and began immediately to dance with hers. She felt it as he allowed himself to be carried away by his feelings, taking her with him.

"Who is with Lindsey?" he managed to mutter between assaults on her mouth.

"My mother," she breathed into their next kiss.

"Good," he whispered as his lips left hers and travelled to her neck. "Gives me plenty of time to prove it."

"Prove what?" she teased.

"That you are wearing it," he finished as his lips continued their journey around her neck.

Catherine was no novice at making love. All those years of Eddie and a few guys before and after had given her a broad experience. But the thought crept through her foggy mind as she lay there, the object of this man's interest, that no one had made her feel like he did. She wasn't denying the physical part of his attentions, but with the others, that was all that it had been, physical. With Gil, there was something different….spiritual even. He was the most considerate lover she'd ever had, the most giving. Which was odd in itself she realized, since he was the least likely to give up anything about himself in their daily reality. But in his kisses and caresses, he exposed himself completely to her, sharing his innermost feelings and desires and opening his heart to her. In true Grissom style, he was slow and methodical…frustratingly so at times. But at the pinnacle of their love making, she appreciated his method because the rewards were so great.

As their passion was satisfied and began to cool, gently allowing them to descend back to the surface of the bed, he smiled smugly. "See, I knew you were wearing it," he said as he held up the blue teddy he had given her just a few days before.

She smiled that big smile of hers that lit her face; the one that warmed him to his core. They continued to talk and cuddle, relishing the quiet intimacy. Their hands continued to caress and stroke one another, neither wanting to lose the physical connection between them. They whispered and murmured, teasing and chatting, sharing until Gil felt a familiar glow growing deep within and his caresses became more intentional. Catherine was heating up again also and responded eagerly. Slowly their passion built as they lost all sense of their surroundings, captivated by one another.

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As always, reviews are wanted. What can I bribe you with? Little button is still there; I just checked.


	26. The Final Good Bye

This one ran a little long but I think it is approriate.

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The front door opened quietly and she stepped inside. The house was dark, but that was expected.. It was well into the shift and he would be at work. She had planned it this way so that she would be there when he got home in the morning. As she made her way into the living room, she was one concerned about one thing. Where was Hank? She had at least expected a greeting from him. But the place was quiet.

And then she heard a sound from the direction of the bedroom. Tilting her head, she listened, concentrating her energies in that direction. There it was again….almost like a moan. Was he home after all? Sick maybe? Concern propelled her towards the door when she heard another sound, not his. Decidedly higher in pitch; calling his name. And it sounded way more than friendly too. She recognized what came next; she had heart it countless times in recent years. It was him in a highly aroused state, to say the least.

Anger and curiosity waged war within her as she made her way to the doorway. Fury sent blood rushing through her as her eyes took in the scene. He was in bed with another woman…_and enjoying it_, immensely. Her heart plummeted as she cleared her throat, announcing her presence.

Two bodies froze. Catherine felt like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over them. Looking at Gil, she saw only confusion written on his and then a sudden clarity of thought.

Gil's protective instincts were thrown into panic as he realized that his gun and any other means of fighting an intruder were in the other room. And Hank was at Cath's. As he looked into her eyes, he knew that whoever the intruder was, he would have to go through Gil to get at Cath. Gil was determined to keep her safe, no matter the cost.

Slowly turning toward the intruder Gil sat up, placing himself between the intruder and Catherine. It was then that he finally looked closely enough to see who it was. "_Sara_?" His was beyond disbelief. He felt Catherine move behind him, collecting the sheet around her, covering completely.

"Yes, Gil. It is me, Sara. Your… fiancé? And I'm wondering why you are in bed with another woman." Catherine shifted uneasily and it was then that Sara realized who the other woman was. "Oh my god…Catherine," She said flatly.

"Hi Sara," Catherine smiled meekly. Gil reached over and turned on a lamp. "What the hell are you doing here, _Sara_?"

"I came back to make things right between us. You were so angry when you left San Francisco. And I hadn't heard from you."

Gil stared at her, incredulous. "I thought you understood that when I left we were finished. That was the end of 'us'."

"But why?"

Catherine shifted again. "Look, why don't I just, you know….go on back to my place and let you talk." She moved as if to get up but Gil's hand shot over and grabbed her arm.

"No Cath. If anyone is leaving my house, it is Sara. You stay here, where you have a right to be, and Sara and I will go to the other room to finish this. I won't be long." He reached to t he floor and found his boxers, slipped them on and then threw on a shirt. Purposely he moved across the room until he was face to face with Sara. "Move," he said with a forceful but quiet voice. Catherine watched and listened as the two moved to his living room.

"Okay Sara. Why are you here?" he asked when they got to the living room.

"I told you. I hadn't heard from you and I thought I should come and, you know…make it up to you. But I see you didn't waste anytime finding a playmate. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. Catherine will sleep with anything in pants." She glared angrily at him.

He stood, frozen in place, anger boiling up inside beyond anything he had ever felt before. Every negative emotion he had felt since reading her letter rose to the surface. And he knew he was close to doing something he thought he would never so. He wanted to hit her, pound her into the floor. She was a smart person, and smarter about people than he was. How could she think there had been anything left after… "You killed my baby." He somehow managed to control his tone and it came out matter of factly., not exposing all the anguish inside.

She blanched at his words. "I explained that to you. I thought you understood. I just couldn't….I wasn't in any shape to take care of it."

He closed his eyes, fighting to center himself, gain self control. Then very softly, in his most controlled tone he spoke. "And I just can't forgive you for it…..maybe if you had waited until we could talk about it, but you didn't. Just like when you left; _you_ decided that you had to go and just did it. You ripped my heart out Sara. I was a shell, an exoskeleton with nothing inside. Catherine came to me as a friend and slowly brought me back to life. Feelings for her that I had buried long ago resurfaced. She only wants for me that which I wanted for you, happiness. So she encouraged me to find you, to stop you from having the abortion, even though it might mean that she would lose me. She loves me that much, Sara…as much as I loved you. And I love her; I have for years although I tried to bury it."

Sara stared at him, dumbfounded. "No, you love me," she finally croaked.

Gil stood silently, his hands beside him, looking at her sadly.

"You do," she continued. "Let me make it up to you. We can have another baby…I can do it if you are there with me. Please, Gil. Don't give up on us…"

"You gave up on us, Sara. You didn't trust me to be there for you. And maybe I deserved that. God knows, I left you hanging enough over the years. But …you didn't give me a chance to help you, or just be there for you. And you didn't let me in on the decision about our baby. Bottom line….you don't trust me. Besides, as much as I had to open up and let you in, you needed to do the same. But you kept me out; afraid of what I might see when your heartbreak spilled out. Afraid I might see you at your worst. I thought that was what relationships are supposed to be about. The marriage vows do say for better or for worse, don't they?"

She stood transfixed. Her mind was reeling, trying to formulate a response when the last blow came. "And as for another child," he continued, "I already have a daughter….with Catherine."

Her eyes narrowed as she processed the information. "Lindsey?" she asked in a whisper.

"Yes, Lindsey is my child. And I want to spend the next few years concentrating on being her father. I've missed so many opportunities; I don't want to miss anymore."

"But…really? She really is your child, biologically, I mean?"

"Yes." His emotions were calming now and as he thought about his daughter, serenity came over him. She really was his and he really wanted to be her father. With Lindsey and Catherine he could be whole, a complete man, not the enigmatic ghost that he had spent most of his life portraying. They would show him the way. And he had already seen Catherine at her worst; she trusted him. He fell short sometimes and made her mad, but she trusted him.

Catherine heard the discussion from the bedroom. She made herself stay on the bed and out of the middle; at least until she hear a thud and a crash. Someone had gotten slapped and it had gotten worse from there. She ran into the living room to find Gil sprawled on the floor, rubbing a red mark on his cheek. He was wearing the same expression he wore the night Sid Google attacked him, fear and confusion. Gil was no coward. If Sara had slapped her, Catherine knew that he would have defended her and thrown Sara out. But he would never lift a hand against Sara to defend himself. It just wasn't who he was. So Catherine made the decision to intervene.

Looking from Gil to Sara and back to him, she asked "are you okay?"

He was still rubbing his cheek but nodded his head, "yeah." He began to get up but moved slowly, his eyes not leaving Sara. Once he was standing he just stared at her, exuding hurt from his entire being. His expression, the knowledge that Sara had hurt him so deeply made Catherine angrier than she thought possible. "Sara, I think you should leave."

"Stay out of this Catherine," the other woman threatened.

Gil blinked and then stepped between the two women. "She's right, Sara. I think we've said all there is to be said. You left and I've moved on. Perhaps you should try to do the same."

"No Gil, I haven't finished. And that bit.."

"Stop it Sara." he said emphatically.

"Well, she has no right to throw me out of our house."

"My house. You gave up any right to a place in it when you left without even talking to me. And she is here because I want her here." He sighed heavily."Please….just leave."

Perhaps it was his intense sadness; maybe it was her own acceptance that it really was over; something made Sara decide to back down. She looked from him to Catherine, who was holding his arm as if to support him physically, and then back at him. Resigned, she spoke in muffled tones. "I'm sorry. I guess I didn't see it from your side. I was so caught up in my own hurt that I couldn't see anything…. I really am sorry." Tears slowly trickled from her eyes and she saw that Gil had a few tears of his own. She turned and slowly walked out the door.

Catherine watched her leave and then turned to Gil. Seeing how broken he looked, she whispered. "Gil….go after her, at least wish her happiness or something. Give her something to take with her. And give yourself some peace."

He looked into her eyes and saw understanding, more than he felt he had a right to expect. Then he disappeared out of the door and found Sara next to her car, crying.

"Sara," he said awkwardly. "I..um…let's end it better than this. I'd like to hug you…you know, a good bye hug."

Sara looked at him, tears streaming down her face. "Its more than I gave you, isn't it?"

"Actually, I think you kissed me." His tone had eased a little. He held his arms open and she stepped into them. Holding her close for the last time, he spoke softly. "I hope you find happiness, honey. I want that for you."

She started to tell him that he was her happiness. But she decided that it would just cause more hurt for both of them. He had found his happiness and there was no place for her in it. "I…hope you are happy too, Gil."

"I am. But Catherine even pointed out that it was you that showed me how to find it. You made me open up to it. You gave me a beautiful gift, Sara. I'll always love you for that."

She touched him where she had slapped him. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I'm not the one, that it isn't me."

Gil kissed her on her forehead. "E-mail from time to time; let me know you are okay?"

"Sure," she said as she climbed into her car. "I think I'll find anew place to start over. Maybe even teach," she almost smiled. "You seemed to enjoy teaching."

He smiled back at her. "You'd be good at it."

She started her engine and drove out of his life forever. He turned and went back inside to begin his new one.

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Okay, before you GSR/Sara freaks start yelling that I bashed her. I didn't! I had them end on a better note, pardon the pun. So if your only reason for reviewing is to revile my take on things, don't bother. For everyone else, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I could end it here or I could write more, you decide for me:-)


	27. Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was approaching and Gil was struggling what to do for Catherine and also for Lindsey. The two women in his life were having similar struggles. Finally they went on a 'girl's day out' to help each other decide. Catherine was surprised that Lindsey was so intent on doing something for Gil. After all, she still didn't want to talk about his new role in her life. But she was insistent and Catherine was happy to oblige.

There was a little town square close to their neighborhood that was filled with interesting shops. Lindsey kept trying to direct her mother toward the lingerie shop that displayed delicate, lacy undergarments in the window. "Lindsey," Catherine exclaimed. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with these impulses you are having."

"Oh Mom," the teenager rolled her eyes.

"But it is so…suggestive. I really don't think its appropriate…"

"Really Mom, you _are_ sleeping with him. What's not appropriate?"

Catherine rolled her eyes and snickered. "And he was trying so hard to protect your innocence."

"More like us protecting his," Lindsey chuckled.

"Yeah, well please don't let on that you know; although it might be fun to watch his embarrassment."

"I know Mom. I'll keep the secret." They continued their shopping until both of the Willows girls had made a selection.

Gil knew exactly what he wanted for his girls. He had given it a lot of thought and made a shopping trip of his own to arrange the gifts. Because he had solved a robbery case for them several years back, the owner of the shop made his gifts a special priority and promised to have them by Valentines. He managed to schedule himself and Catherine off on Valentine's night, although he had to promise Ecklie that he would be on call. As he left Ecklie's office, he predicted to himself that his cell phone would be broken that night.

Grissom's phone rang very early on Valentine's morning. He was at his desk, finishing a report on a crime scene from earlier in the shift. He picked up the phone, "Grissom," he spoke into the receiver.

"Gil?"

Grissom became very still. "Lindsey?"

"Yeah. Um…are you planning to come for breakfast?"

"Well…yeah. I'm just finishing a report and then I was heading over. Is …..is that okay?"

"Yeah," she brightened. "Um…will you get here before I have to go to school?"

"Do you need a ride? I can be there in about a half hour," he offered.

"No, I mean…well, if you want to give me a ride that would be okay. But…I was hoping to see you before school."

Trying to keep the excitement out of his voice, he responded. "Sure. I'll finish up here and be there soon." He hung up and sat staring at the phone for a minute. Unsure of what to think, he attempted to contain his excitement. She wanted to see him. He hoped it meant that things were changing between them.

Catherine appeared in his doorway a few minutes later. "Coming for breakfast this morning?"

"I'm sorry. I already have an invitation for breakfast." He was smiling mischievously.

Catherine tilted her head, surprised. "You do?"

"Yes. From another woman, no less," he smirked.

"Wait….you are having Valentine's breakfast with another woman?"

"Yeah," he smiled.

"No."

"No?" His eyebrow shot up as surprise overtook his face.

"You heard me. This is Valentine's Day and you are mine."

"But…"

"You heard me…I'm serious Gil. You are coming home for breakfast with me."

Gil sat thoughtfully for a moment. "I suppose that would be okay with my date."

"Oh, it's a date now…"Then she began to realize that there was something he wasn't telling her. "Gil, who's the date with?"

His eyes danced as he revealed her name, "Lindsey."

Catherine smiled. "Then you'd better not be late."

Catherine purposefully let Gil leave a few minutes before she did, which gave him a few minutes alone with Lindsey. When she arrived at her home, she found the two of them in the kitchen. Lindsey was being tightly held in his tearful embrace. A glance at the counter revealed that he had opened his Valentine's gift from her.

Father and daughter disentangled when they heard Catherine enter the room. Lindsey was bubbly and happy, excited about the day. "I made eggs and sausage for you guys," she said.

Catherine noticed that Gil was holding a piece of paper in his hand, revering it as if it were a great treasure. "So Gil, you like your present from Lindsey?"

He smiled. "I love it," he said as he retrieved the giant pink, red, and white caterpillar from the counter. "Lindsey said it reminded her of when she was little and I would read The Hungry Caterpillar to her. I called her that sometimes too."

"You calling my daughter a bug?" Catherine asked, amused.

"An emerging butterfly, who will soon stretch her wings and fly away, sharing her beauty with the world."

"Well….not too soon," said the butterfly's mother.

They chatted as they ate and then Lindsey finished getting ready as Gil and Catherine cleaned the kitchen. After a few minutes Lindsey appeared in the doorway. "Dad, I think I would like you to take me to school."

Catherine looked from one to the other with joy. Somewhere in all the caterpillar talk, Lindsey had accepted him as her father. She hugged her daughter as she left for school and then whispered to Gil,"come straight back. I want to give you my Valentine's Day gift." His eyes lit up at her remark and he nodded, smiling knowingly as he walked out of the door.

When he came back, he walked into an empty room. Sitting on the counter was a small gift bag with hearts all over it. Slowly he opened it and pulled out the contents. There was a note attached.

_This coordinates with the rest of your gift which you will find on my bed. Come wearing this and nothing else. Baggy pants and boxers just won't do…. BTW, it's not a science experiment or a specimen for study. It is an article of clothing._

Gil studied the little bit of fabric anyway. His eyebrow shot up as he contemplated fitting himself into it. The shimmering blue thong seemed much too small but he finally reasoned that he wouldn't have to wear it too long anyway and gave in. As he entered the bedroom, he saw that his scrap of material did, indeed, coordinate with her outfit. She was wearing a similar piece of fabric with a second piece thinly covering her torso. He smiled as a thought ran through his head. _But not for long…._

A couple of hours later they laid curled together, the cool air robbing them of the last bits of the heat of their passion. Catherine reached and pulled a blanket over them and they nestled into the newly formed cocoon. As much as she enjoyed sex with him, this was her favorite time with Gil. He always held her, his body providing warmth; his hands caressing her gently, lovingly, cherishing her. Most men that she had slept with had rolled over and gone to sleep after they had gotten what they wanted; the ones that didn't smoke a cigarette first, at least. But not Gil; the loving continued long after the passion was spent.

Suddenly she remembered the piece of paper that he had held when she first came home. She asked him about it which prompted him to hold her even closer. "There was a note attached to the caterpillar."

"A note? What did it say?"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Dad. With love, your daughter."

"She said that?" Catherine asked happily.

"She called me Dad, Cath. I'm her Dad!"

They snuggled awhile longer before slipping into sleep. Gil had told her that her present didn't come until that evening. He was taking his two girls to dinner. He warned her that it would be a late night for the two of them, so she should rest now. He listened to her steady breathing as she drifted off and then succumbed to a peaceful slumber of his own.

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Part 2 of Valentine's Day wilcome soo, I meant to have it all for Valentine's Day but got distracted by my own Valentine;-) Hope you are enjoying!


	28. Valentine's Night

"Remember, I'll pick you and Lindsey up at 6:30," Gil told Catherine as he left to run some last minute errands and go to his place to dress. He had a bounce in his step that she hadn't seen in a very long time. After they woke up, he had been happy and playful, showing a side of himself that had been missing for several years. She smiled as she watched him leave; it was good to see that in him again.

Lindsey came home from school and was disappointed that he had left. When Catherine told her that they were having a special dinner together that night, Lindsey perked up until her mother informed her that it was a 'dressy' evening.

"Mom," she whined. "I don't want to get all dressed up."

"Hey kiddo, you are lucky that I am letting you go on this date. I wanted Gil all to myself tonight. And he wants to take us someplace special, which means we dress up." Sighing in defeat, Lindsey went to her room to select an outfit. Catherine had no trouble selecting her dress. She knew exactly what she would wear.

Promptly at 6:30 Gil stood a t Catherine's door. She greeted him warmly with admiring eyes and a passionate kiss. He smiled gently at her but she noticed a nervousness about him His thumb was rubbing his fingertips as he stood in her living room, waiting. Catherine wasn't sure what was going through his mind, but it was definitely in overdrive.

Finally Lindsey entered the room dressed in a blue tea dress that she had worn to a school party a few months earlier. His eyes lit as she walked in, a small smile forming on his mouth. He held his breath as he realized that this beautiful young creature was his daughter. "Wow," was all he could manage to say.

"Hey, wait a minute," Catherine sputtered. "You had nothing to say to me and she gets a Wow!" Then she laughed.

Gil's eyes travelled from his daughter to her mother. "The sight of you, my love, left me speechless," he teased.

Lindsey giggled. "He's got you there, Mom."

Catherine smiled demurely at him before her signature smile broke out. "God, you are full of it," she retorted.

"Where are we going?" asked Lindsey as they pulled out of the drive.

Gil glanced at her in the rear view mirror. "I'm not telling."

Lindsey rolled her eyes. Catherine looked across at Grissom, a little surprised by his playfulness. Usually when he was nervous he became edgy…and quiet. But he was trying very hard to be charming. His effort wasn't lost on her; he was up to something.

She realized where they were going as they approached the Stratosphere. The valet opened the door for the ladies and Gil walked around to meet them. Taking one on each arm, he walked them inside. Catherine smiled. "Really Gil, the Top of the World?"

"It's the way I feel…being here with the two of you," he said simply, sincerely.

Lindsey looked across and saw the look in her mother's eyes. As happy as she had been that the two were finally getting together, the look in her mother's eyes and Gil's responsive look convinced her that this was right. They belonged together. Renewing her determination to accept him as her father, she smiled as she watched them watching each other.

Catherine was amused once they were seated. Gil took control of the situation, ordering the Six Course Tasting Menus and appropriate beverages; the menu wine flight for the adults and tea and water for Lindsey. Lindsey was disappointed when she realized she wouldn't get any wine.

They enjoyed each course. The conversation was light and playful at times and generally easy. Catherine marveled at how much talking Gil was actually doing. His disquiet had disappeared as he listened to Lindsey talking about school and he even asked questions. His interest was genuine.

After the cheese course, Gil told the waiter that they were ready for the dessert course and ordered the Godiva Chocolate Coffee to go with it. Catherine noticed his uneasiness coming back.

The waiter brought dessert, the Chocolate Stratosphere Tower with mousse filling. They watched as he garnished them with vanilla sauce. Catherine saw the waiter hesitate and surreptitiously glance at Gil who nodded. Carefully the waiter simultaneously placed the dessert plates in front of Catherine and Lindsey. Two sets of blue eyes grew huge as they saw what else was on the plate. Lindsey's had a diamond heart pendant. The waiter slipped a small envelope next to Catherine's plate, which held a sparkling one caret diamond ring in a Tiffany setting. Catherine blinked and looked up at Gil with tear filled eyes. Wearing the tenderest expression she had ever seen on him, he nodded toward the envelope. Shyly, she lifted and opened it.

_A__nd in Life's noisiest hour,_

_There whispers still the ceaseless Love of Thee,  
The heart's __Self-solace__ and soliloquy._

_You mould my Hopes, you fashion me within ;  
And to the leading Love-throb in the Heart  
Thro' all my Being, thro' my pulses beat ;  
You lie in all my many Thoughts, like Light,  
Like the fair light of Dawn, or summer Eve  
On rippling Stream, or cloud-reflecting Lake._

_And looking to the Heaven, that bends above you,  
How oft I bless the Lot, that made me love you_.

_ Samuel Taylor Coleridge_

_Please say yes and allow me love you completely…and eternally._

Tearful blue eyes looked up into anxious, expectant ones. "Yes," she said fervently. He picked up the ring and slipped it on her finger, gently kissing her hand and wanting to do so much more. Lindsey watched in awe as her parents sat, eyes locked and existing in their own world.

After a few electric moments, they became aware of their surroundings and looked at Lindsey, who was smiling at them. "Do you like your necklace, honey?" Gil was looking at the untouched item on the plate as he spoke.

"It…it's beautiful. I just….just was watching you, the two of you."

"Why don't you put it on, Linds?" asked Catherine.

Lindsey picked it up and began to fidget with the clasp. Catherine helped her with it and Lindsey put her hand over it, feeling it against her skin.

Gil looked intently at it around her neck, happy with his selection. "The stones in your necklace are from the chips left when the jeweler cut the stone for your mother's ring," he explained. "I thought…just as you are a part of her…my love for her, those stones are a part of the larger diamond." Catherine's eyes glistened as she listened to him explaining the pendant. "And of course," he continued, "you are a part of my heart."

Lindsey stood and stepped over to him, hugging him. "Thank you," she whispered.

Later that night, after Lindsey was asleep, Catherine lay contentedly in his arms. She held up her hand, admiring her ring in the light that shone through the window. "The evening…your proposal, it was so perfect, Gil"

His hand ran lightly along her arm and held her hand so that he could see the ring on it. "You said 'yes'. That makes it perfect for me."

"I loved the note …the poem. Did you really mean all of that…how I mold and hold all of your hopes…how I am a light?"

"My darling," he said just a little smugly, "there hasn't been a poem written that truly expresses how deeply I love you, but I thought that one came close. "She felt a tremor run through his body as he hugged her closer and spoke his next words. "I love you Catherine, with everything that I am."

She nuzzled into him, settling into his warm embrace and drifting to sleep. Gil lay there awhile longer, contemplating the day. Lindsey had called him Dad and Catherine had said yes. It was, he thought, the best day of his life. He remembered the letters he had put in his book on the bedside table. Tomorrow he would pull them out and destroy them. There was only one note that he wanted to keep now. He smiled as he recited it in his mind. "Happy Valentine's Day, Dad. With love, your daughter." Happy Valentine's Day, indeed. Finally his life had meaning beyond his job. From now on when he left work, he would truly be going home.

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I've really appreciated all of your wonderful reviews. I hope the story ended good for you. Let me know, I always want to know:-)


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